I've been absent from blogging for nearly a year. I almost forgot I had a blog with all that has gone on in the past year. I'm not promising it may be another year before I post again, but I though it would be fun to resurrect some of the postings I wrote and never put up. So... here you go.
I liked my Sociology 101 class in college. When the weather got warm in the Spring, the girls started wearing their summer clothes and the campus suddenly became a less tiresome place to spend my time. There was a cute girl in class that kept me distracted, but despite my gazing, I always seemed to absorb most of what was taught in the lectures. One of my favorite chapters that semester was about the history of relationships between men and women. We learned about the progression of society from the hunter and gatherer culture to the modern day urbanites. The roles that men and women play in the family unit have changed over time. We were taught that men traditionally were the hunters of food and protectors of women and children who were more vulnerable to dangers posed by things like enemy tribes and other brutish men. In exchange, the women provided a service of assisting in food preparation and raising children. As society advanced, we know of course that people started farming and building cities, then trading with money, etc., etc. In the 1950’s, we reached the apex of what is termed the traditional marriage relationship described as the “breadwinner/ homemaker model”. Basically, the man worked outside the home and the woman stayed home to care for the children and maintain the domestic necessities. This seemed to work quite well, but it was very different from the beginnings of tribal life. People were now living in secure houses, in organized cities. Everyday life was safer. Women no longer had the same pressing need for protection from their men. Men also had less of a need for women to do things such as educate their children because they now had public schools to take some of the burden. In the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, women flooded into the workforce and attained higher levels of education. This made them more valuable to the economy, but in turn, it changed the role of the man as sole provider to the family. So…where am I going with all of this? Well, simply put… over time men and women have come to need each other less for basic survival. Most scholars agree that for the majority of human existence, relationships consisted of a very different type of agreement than we are familiar with today. The sexes joined in partnerships that fulfilled important necessities in a complimentary manner. Concepts such as arranged marriages worked to serve this purpose quite well. Being really physically attracted to your spouse was a bonus, but not the main goal. Once men and women had the ability to provide for their own necessities, marriage was no longer such a business-type deal. People then had to come up with some other reason to look for each other and stay together. “WHOA!” you say? Now, I’m not saying that love is a new concept. Yet, sociologists argue that what we understand as “romantic love”, or the degree to which romantic love is important in a relationship, is a new concept. Most agree that this focus on romance as the main impetus behind committed relationships has only been around for about 200 years. Of course you can always find journals and writings to prove that romance indeed existed through all ages of time, but it was never as important as it is today.
So back to springtime on my campus. I’m sitting there in class wondering why I wasn’t born in the day of the cavemen. I wouldn’t have to go through all of this strategizing, primping, chivalry, and small-talk about things I don’t care about just to prove that I’m cool enough to date. I could just sneak up behind the brunette girl with the long legs, hit her on the head with a stick, and carry her off in a sack. She would soon forgive me because she would be happy that she was chosen over her friends. She would be relieved that she had a man to protect her and I would be happy I had someone to cook my meals and bear me children. Oh, if only… But instead, I never gather the courage to ask her out and I invent reasons in my head why she wasn’t worth asking out in the first place. Isn’t there some sort of compromise between these two worlds; a middle ground between the good old days of the utility spouse and the present day romance novel lover?
It’s widely believed that divorce trends are closely associated to the relationship dynamics explained in our history lesson. Relationships that are hyper-romanced tend not to be based in reality. They tend to be more self-serving instead of serving. The goal used to be, “I can feel fulfilled by succeeding in my role within the symbiotic relationship with my partner; which is necessary for the success of my family and society.” Now the goal turns more to, “I can feel fulfilled when my physical, emotional, material, and intellectual desires are satisfied by what my partner has to offer.” I know it sounds extreme. I would hope every decent person would make an effort to satisfy those same desires in their partner, but for too many it becomes a cost/benefit analysis. Why do we hear stories about the spouse who “fell out of love” and found a new lover because their partner had become physically unattractive to them, emotionally distant, or boring? Isn’t the thought scary that we can just be traded in for something better if we don’t fulfill all of our partner’s expectations? Maybe in the olden days there was never such a high expectation placed on the relationship in the first place; i.e. believing that its primary purpose was to fulfill all of our romantic desires. We talk about the spark disappearing in the relationship like that little “spark” was the only thing keeping us warm the whole time and that without it we would freeze in the cold night air. If you’re in a marriage that is free of abuse and infidelity and each partner if fulfilling their primary duties, I would argue that you have a very good thing going for you. There’s a whole bonfire of wood fueling your relationship! Maybe back in the day, more effort was made to keep a marriage intact because of what it meant to the success of the family and society. I apologize that now I feel Mother Teresa channeling through me, but maybe we have forgotten that what is given away is never lost. I’m asking for a paradigm shift. Let’s look at relationships and marriage like the service project that keeps giving back. Start asking yourself how you can BE the partner that will play their instrument the best they can in the grand orchestra that has potential of creating exquisite music. We can learn a good deal about being romantic and being so is usually a good thing, but let’s not let the good things of life rob us of the best things. Don’t hate on me. It’s just history.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Post Relationship Friendships
Staying friends after you break up... your thoughts?
-Leslie
Dear Leslie,
The subject of remaining friends after a relationship is actually quite case specific. Sometimes it can be a constructive thing to do and sometimes a clean break is the only way to go about it. To begin the discussion, you have to ask yourself, "What is my goal?" In Psychology, the behaviorism school of thought asserts that people are driven to act primarily based on the consideration of two forces: pain and pleasure. We either do things to to avoid pain or gain pleasure. This is where you have to spend some time in the left side of your brain and work out the logic. What is my motivation for remaining in an active friendship at this time? If your motivation is to eventually work through whatever prevented the relationship from progressing, then you must weigh the pros and cons. How did I feel about the person's positive qualities before breaking up? How much are you willing to risk with this specific person? Do I stand a high enough probability of achieving future bliss to counterbalance the risk of my continued emotional involvement? Managing your emotions while trying to remain friends can be very difficult. Some people like to jot down notes to organize their thoughts. Draw upon your previous experiences to try and decide if you are good at doing the friends thing. If you can't think of specific examples, ask one of your girlfriends. They probably remember very well if you are prone to jealousies and mental breakdowns!
Keep in mind that remaining friends after breaking-up requires a great deal of honesty and trust. If you trust the person implicitly, then you stand a better chance of coming out unscathed. The problem lies in that after breakup, a new set of rules has been created. Even if two people are still interested in exploring a future together, the fact is they are NOT currently together. Technically, one doesn't owe the other any update of who they went out with the previous night or if they have their eye on someone new. Even though it may hurt, an honest person who is equally invested will update you on any significant occurrences. The most important perspective to have is, "Am I withholding any information that is important for them to know as they make their decision to invest in a friendship with me?" If we search our hearts, it's usually not that hard to know if we are acting in accordance to the feelings we profess. Think about it for a moment. If two people really are fine being just friends, you shouldn't find them concealing the fact that they are dating new people. If two people are still working toward a future relationship and one starts to have other plans, then withholding significant information is kind of like insider trading in the stock market- it's not fair. In either case, you can see the potential for a big emotional let down. Foremost, it's important that the motivation of the friendship is clearly understood by both parties and that your hopes don't lead you to assume they are making a commitment beyond the friendship. Everyone who's been down this road knows that communicating post-breakup can be a difficult line to walk.
I once had a girlfriend who broke-up with me and said she wanted to remain friends. I was living off of slivers of hope that if I stayed with it, she would eventually want a relationship again. Like a starving fat kid waiting for crumbs of cake, I agreed to stay friends. Fortunately we trusted each other and we decided that we would tell the other one if we started a new relationship. Our phone conversations never dealt with dating and were very rarely about us. I had to assume she was dating other people and I was right. Yes, it was very difficult to talk about life without talking about US, but I thought it would be worth it. One day she called me and said she had been dating someone new. She thought it was time she should tell me. Even though it felt like a dagger in the heart, it gave me what I needed to move on. In the end, the pain was probably as mild as it could have been because we had a mature understanding.
If this friendship is about holding out for a future relationship, you may find the statistics somewhat discouraging. Studies have shown that when people are given a second chance in relationships, they more often fail and do things the same as before. However, studies also show that people regret more the opportunities they didn't take rather than the opportunities they did take that ended negatively. Only you can know if that risk is worth taking. More importantly, only you can know if you can live with not taking the risk. -DM
-Leslie
Dear Leslie,
The subject of remaining friends after a relationship is actually quite case specific. Sometimes it can be a constructive thing to do and sometimes a clean break is the only way to go about it. To begin the discussion, you have to ask yourself, "What is my goal?" In Psychology, the behaviorism school of thought asserts that people are driven to act primarily based on the consideration of two forces: pain and pleasure. We either do things to to avoid pain or gain pleasure. This is where you have to spend some time in the left side of your brain and work out the logic. What is my motivation for remaining in an active friendship at this time? If your motivation is to eventually work through whatever prevented the relationship from progressing, then you must weigh the pros and cons. How did I feel about the person's positive qualities before breaking up? How much are you willing to risk with this specific person? Do I stand a high enough probability of achieving future bliss to counterbalance the risk of my continued emotional involvement? Managing your emotions while trying to remain friends can be very difficult. Some people like to jot down notes to organize their thoughts. Draw upon your previous experiences to try and decide if you are good at doing the friends thing. If you can't think of specific examples, ask one of your girlfriends. They probably remember very well if you are prone to jealousies and mental breakdowns!
Keep in mind that remaining friends after breaking-up requires a great deal of honesty and trust. If you trust the person implicitly, then you stand a better chance of coming out unscathed. The problem lies in that after breakup, a new set of rules has been created. Even if two people are still interested in exploring a future together, the fact is they are NOT currently together. Technically, one doesn't owe the other any update of who they went out with the previous night or if they have their eye on someone new. Even though it may hurt, an honest person who is equally invested will update you on any significant occurrences. The most important perspective to have is, "Am I withholding any information that is important for them to know as they make their decision to invest in a friendship with me?" If we search our hearts, it's usually not that hard to know if we are acting in accordance to the feelings we profess. Think about it for a moment. If two people really are fine being just friends, you shouldn't find them concealing the fact that they are dating new people. If two people are still working toward a future relationship and one starts to have other plans, then withholding significant information is kind of like insider trading in the stock market- it's not fair. In either case, you can see the potential for a big emotional let down. Foremost, it's important that the motivation of the friendship is clearly understood by both parties and that your hopes don't lead you to assume they are making a commitment beyond the friendship. Everyone who's been down this road knows that communicating post-breakup can be a difficult line to walk.
I once had a girlfriend who broke-up with me and said she wanted to remain friends. I was living off of slivers of hope that if I stayed with it, she would eventually want a relationship again. Like a starving fat kid waiting for crumbs of cake, I agreed to stay friends. Fortunately we trusted each other and we decided that we would tell the other one if we started a new relationship. Our phone conversations never dealt with dating and were very rarely about us. I had to assume she was dating other people and I was right. Yes, it was very difficult to talk about life without talking about US, but I thought it would be worth it. One day she called me and said she had been dating someone new. She thought it was time she should tell me. Even though it felt like a dagger in the heart, it gave me what I needed to move on. In the end, the pain was probably as mild as it could have been because we had a mature understanding.
If this friendship is about holding out for a future relationship, you may find the statistics somewhat discouraging. Studies have shown that when people are given a second chance in relationships, they more often fail and do things the same as before. However, studies also show that people regret more the opportunities they didn't take rather than the opportunities they did take that ended negatively. Only you can know if that risk is worth taking. More importantly, only you can know if you can live with not taking the risk. -DM
Friday, August 28, 2009
Letting the Wound Heal
Dear Dating Medic,
I've recently split with my partner of 3 years who I lived with for 2 of those years. It was my decision in the end but a decision I think he had wanted me to make for over a year as he was too cowardly to end things himself.I put up with many lies, no proper affection, having to force him to spend time with me etc for a very long time and I KNOW I've made the right decision and that he would never have ended it himself as he stays in relationships because he cannot be alone. I've also learned that he's started seeing someone not even a month after we split - we hadn't even finalised the joint account, bills and lease on the house etc when he started seeing her.I've just finished reading 'It's called a Breakup because it's broken' and have started 'Hes just not that into you' Both of which are screaming at me that I've soooo definitely made the right decision. I'm booking my diary up with events with friends, holidays away etc but am steering clear of the dating world altogether at the moment.Thing is - I know I'm doing everything right but it's been 3 months now and I still feel as though we split up yesterday. I just can't seem to get myself together - and I desperately want to. I've stopped talking to my friends about it and am keeping in me and my journal now as I don't want to bore or alienate my mates.What advise - if any - can you give me? I desperately want to get through this and feel whole again, but whole on my own and not jumping into another relationship! Right now I just really feel as though this scar is here to stay.
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
One of my favorite U2 lyrics is from the song "Sweetest Thing". It says, "You can sew it up, but you still see the tear." How true that is. As children we are taught many things about pain and about replacing loses in our lives. Sometimes we teach things to children that aren't completely true, maybe because we're desperate to take away their hurt. One of these misconceptions is that time heals all wounds. As adults, when time doesn't completely heal the wound, we feel there is something wrong with us. Another misconception is that everything lost can be replaced. We see this lesson taught at the passing of a loved pet. The parent often tells the child, "I'm sorry honey, he's in a happy place now. If you want, we can go down to the pet store tomorrow and buy a new one." As we grow older and wiser, we come to find that we don't know as much about pain as we thought we did.
1st lesson- Time can help many painful memories fade, but there are some loses that we may never completely get over. It's also OK and normal if this happens. Walt Disney for example, an amazing leader and dream maker, blamed himself for his mother's death because she died from a natural gas leak in the home he bought for her. Of course he couldn't have been responsible for what happened, but for the rest of his life he forbade anyone to speak about it. He was still an overwhelmingly optimistic and emotinally adjusted person in most other respects. Accept the fact that it's normal to take awhile to heal. Especially in a long romantic relationship because of the incredibly strong physical bonds which involve hormones and neurotransmitters. The brain has some major reconstruction to do in order to dismantle neuropathways dedicated to that person. This is part of grieving. In fact, the longer you put off completely working through grief, the longer it will take.
2nd lesson- People can't be replaced and neither should we try to replace them. Every relationship will be different. Starting a new one just to fill the space will result in discontent and often remorse. There is no shortcut to avioding the grief cycle. One day you will be able to give of your energy, love, and devotion to a new person. However, this new person will have different positive qualities that the former person didn't and they will also have undesireable qualites you will have to learn to live with. Part of finding happiness is that we must learn to accept change.
It sounds as if you've already done most of the groundwork in recovering from this guy. Three years is a long time to be dating someone. When we lose a partner, we also lose part of our dreams and future plans which included them. We often don't realize that much of the grieving is for our uncertain future. You're wise to not jump into a new relationship. A quick fix almost always results in cognitive dissonance. This is a psychological condition in which our beliefs do not match up with our actions, producing anxiety in our psyche. Our thought is, "If I really did love my recent partner, why am I moving on so quickly and trying to forget them?" We then try and convince ourself that we didn't love them as much as we thought- which really is not the case- so anxiety and guilt ensues. Only you will know when you are ready to venture into a new relationship.
Your efforts in journal writing are a good idea. Because emotions can be so transient and nebulous, writing them down gives them the respect they deserve. If you have any future doubt as to why you brokeup, a journal can remind you. Here's a few other things you can do to get through the pain:
1) Unify your mind. History is repleat with stories of countries divided by opposing factions and social unrest, when suddenly they are united by war. War brings the people of a country together quickly because they share a common foreign enemy and the problems of individual groups are set aside. The same thing happens in our minds when we're alone for any significant amount of time. Our mind turns its focus inward and we pick apart our problems, creating worry and depression. In essence, we declare war on ourselves. This is exactly why we get advice to start a new hobby or pursue a goal. With an outside focus, our engergy begins to unite our mind and our worry quickly dissapates.
2) Serve other people. Service is the gift you give away, but it always comes back with a greater return. When we take the time to look around, we suddenly realize that we're never alone in our pain. The world is filled with lonely people and helping them can be good therapy. It never ceases to amaze me how a crisis puts in order our priorities. Reconnecting with siblings, parents, or friends can remind you that you're important in other people's lives.
3) Appreciate your time alone. If you're afraid of being alone; acknowledge the fear, feel it to its fullest, and then let it go. Avoid the crutch of addictions like chemical dependency, over or undereating, and relationship flings. Addictions only prevent you from reaching the tipping point of fear which awakens the very powers you need to overcome it. Humans are equiped with a very unique emotional autoimmune system which is very capable of responding to crisis. However, just like our physical body which kicks in to fight disease, the level of fear we experience must reach a certain degree of seriousness before the automatic defense is activated. We deny ourselves the ability to activate the tremendous power within when deaden the pain with addictions or unhealthy behavior.
Breakups are learning experiences. I don't think we're meant to master them or meant to learn to avoid them. If we really love someone and devote ourselves to a relationship, the possibility of breakingup is one of the risks we take. Just remember, many have gone before you and many will follow. Whatever doesn't kill you... still really hurts. -DM
I've recently split with my partner of 3 years who I lived with for 2 of those years. It was my decision in the end but a decision I think he had wanted me to make for over a year as he was too cowardly to end things himself.I put up with many lies, no proper affection, having to force him to spend time with me etc for a very long time and I KNOW I've made the right decision and that he would never have ended it himself as he stays in relationships because he cannot be alone. I've also learned that he's started seeing someone not even a month after we split - we hadn't even finalised the joint account, bills and lease on the house etc when he started seeing her.I've just finished reading 'It's called a Breakup because it's broken' and have started 'Hes just not that into you' Both of which are screaming at me that I've soooo definitely made the right decision. I'm booking my diary up with events with friends, holidays away etc but am steering clear of the dating world altogether at the moment.Thing is - I know I'm doing everything right but it's been 3 months now and I still feel as though we split up yesterday. I just can't seem to get myself together - and I desperately want to. I've stopped talking to my friends about it and am keeping in me and my journal now as I don't want to bore or alienate my mates.What advise - if any - can you give me? I desperately want to get through this and feel whole again, but whole on my own and not jumping into another relationship! Right now I just really feel as though this scar is here to stay.
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
One of my favorite U2 lyrics is from the song "Sweetest Thing". It says, "You can sew it up, but you still see the tear." How true that is. As children we are taught many things about pain and about replacing loses in our lives. Sometimes we teach things to children that aren't completely true, maybe because we're desperate to take away their hurt. One of these misconceptions is that time heals all wounds. As adults, when time doesn't completely heal the wound, we feel there is something wrong with us. Another misconception is that everything lost can be replaced. We see this lesson taught at the passing of a loved pet. The parent often tells the child, "I'm sorry honey, he's in a happy place now. If you want, we can go down to the pet store tomorrow and buy a new one." As we grow older and wiser, we come to find that we don't know as much about pain as we thought we did.
1st lesson- Time can help many painful memories fade, but there are some loses that we may never completely get over. It's also OK and normal if this happens. Walt Disney for example, an amazing leader and dream maker, blamed himself for his mother's death because she died from a natural gas leak in the home he bought for her. Of course he couldn't have been responsible for what happened, but for the rest of his life he forbade anyone to speak about it. He was still an overwhelmingly optimistic and emotinally adjusted person in most other respects. Accept the fact that it's normal to take awhile to heal. Especially in a long romantic relationship because of the incredibly strong physical bonds which involve hormones and neurotransmitters. The brain has some major reconstruction to do in order to dismantle neuropathways dedicated to that person. This is part of grieving. In fact, the longer you put off completely working through grief, the longer it will take.
2nd lesson- People can't be replaced and neither should we try to replace them. Every relationship will be different. Starting a new one just to fill the space will result in discontent and often remorse. There is no shortcut to avioding the grief cycle. One day you will be able to give of your energy, love, and devotion to a new person. However, this new person will have different positive qualities that the former person didn't and they will also have undesireable qualites you will have to learn to live with. Part of finding happiness is that we must learn to accept change.
It sounds as if you've already done most of the groundwork in recovering from this guy. Three years is a long time to be dating someone. When we lose a partner, we also lose part of our dreams and future plans which included them. We often don't realize that much of the grieving is for our uncertain future. You're wise to not jump into a new relationship. A quick fix almost always results in cognitive dissonance. This is a psychological condition in which our beliefs do not match up with our actions, producing anxiety in our psyche. Our thought is, "If I really did love my recent partner, why am I moving on so quickly and trying to forget them?" We then try and convince ourself that we didn't love them as much as we thought- which really is not the case- so anxiety and guilt ensues. Only you will know when you are ready to venture into a new relationship.
Your efforts in journal writing are a good idea. Because emotions can be so transient and nebulous, writing them down gives them the respect they deserve. If you have any future doubt as to why you brokeup, a journal can remind you. Here's a few other things you can do to get through the pain:
1) Unify your mind. History is repleat with stories of countries divided by opposing factions and social unrest, when suddenly they are united by war. War brings the people of a country together quickly because they share a common foreign enemy and the problems of individual groups are set aside. The same thing happens in our minds when we're alone for any significant amount of time. Our mind turns its focus inward and we pick apart our problems, creating worry and depression. In essence, we declare war on ourselves. This is exactly why we get advice to start a new hobby or pursue a goal. With an outside focus, our engergy begins to unite our mind and our worry quickly dissapates.
2) Serve other people. Service is the gift you give away, but it always comes back with a greater return. When we take the time to look around, we suddenly realize that we're never alone in our pain. The world is filled with lonely people and helping them can be good therapy. It never ceases to amaze me how a crisis puts in order our priorities. Reconnecting with siblings, parents, or friends can remind you that you're important in other people's lives.
3) Appreciate your time alone. If you're afraid of being alone; acknowledge the fear, feel it to its fullest, and then let it go. Avoid the crutch of addictions like chemical dependency, over or undereating, and relationship flings. Addictions only prevent you from reaching the tipping point of fear which awakens the very powers you need to overcome it. Humans are equiped with a very unique emotional autoimmune system which is very capable of responding to crisis. However, just like our physical body which kicks in to fight disease, the level of fear we experience must reach a certain degree of seriousness before the automatic defense is activated. We deny ourselves the ability to activate the tremendous power within when deaden the pain with addictions or unhealthy behavior.
Breakups are learning experiences. I don't think we're meant to master them or meant to learn to avoid them. If we really love someone and devote ourselves to a relationship, the possibility of breakingup is one of the risks we take. Just remember, many have gone before you and many will follow. Whatever doesn't kill you... still really hurts. -DM
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
To Call or Not to Call
Dear Dating Medic,When should I call a guy and when should I not call a guy?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You should never call a guy... except when you should. The simple answer to this question is found in the Law of Uncertainty. I often mention this law because it's a fundamental to basic dating that not many people grasp. That which is more rare, is more highly sought after.
In the beginning stages of dating, you lessen your value as a commodity in the single's market if you come off as too eager and too available. Guys are competitive by nature. We like to win competitions and we like the sense of accomplishment in obtaining a prize for a job well done. In the short term, many guys may be very willing to take the easy win and a short fling, but those who want lasting relationships also want a deeper satisfaction. This satisfaction comes from a guy knowing that his own efforts earned him the best available prize and this doesn't come from the easiest or first girl that throws herself at him. There must be an element of uncertainty that he will win the game. There must be an element of coyness in the girl that indicates she has other options and he better put on his best game if he's going to win her over. If he has no doubt that he can seal the deal, then it's an almost guarantee that he will soon take her for granted and the idea may occur to him that he could have won a better girl if he had tried harder. That's just the way it is! Once a deeper love is achieved, there isn't a need for this strategizing because there are stronger emotions and biology at play. There's a saying that pretty much sums up a guy's role in all of this: "Wink. I'll do the rest." If he's any type of man and he's not a complete idiot in the social world, all you should have to do is give very clear interest by FLIRTING, be FUN, and RECIPROCATE his efforts. Reciprocating is important when you've had a fun time on a date. You don't necessarily have to ask him out like he did with you, but at least let him know in some way you really had a fun time and want to go out again. If you haven't been clear that you're interested, this could easily explain why he hasn't called. If you have been clear, put it out of your mind and have confidence in yourself. It's like a job interview. If after the interview, they don't call you, so what? Don't you want a job where they value your qualifications and skills or do you want a job where you don't feel appreciated?
You may feel that he's interested but he has something holding him back such as work commitments or ending a recent relationship. Try not to spend much time analyzing these situations. Like women, men have their own time frames for being ready for a relationship or dating. There's very little any woman can do to make a man come out of his cave unless he wants to. If you feel you absolutely must call him to satisfy your curiosity, I would stick to the three strike rule. No more than a combination of 3 voicemails, texts, or emails without reciprocation. Sometimes even three is pushing your luck. Anything beyond that and you earn the new title of "psycho-girl" among his friends. What if he responds, but barely? Maybe he texts back in response to a voicemail or it takes several days every time he responds. In Australia, we say, "He's giving you the drips." This means that when you're thirsty for water or something that melts like ice cream, he's only giving you the least amount possible, the drips. Be good to yourself. Move on. If you don't, the bigger problem is your delusions, not his disinterest. -DM
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You should never call a guy... except when you should. The simple answer to this question is found in the Law of Uncertainty. I often mention this law because it's a fundamental to basic dating that not many people grasp. That which is more rare, is more highly sought after.
In the beginning stages of dating, you lessen your value as a commodity in the single's market if you come off as too eager and too available. Guys are competitive by nature. We like to win competitions and we like the sense of accomplishment in obtaining a prize for a job well done. In the short term, many guys may be very willing to take the easy win and a short fling, but those who want lasting relationships also want a deeper satisfaction. This satisfaction comes from a guy knowing that his own efforts earned him the best available prize and this doesn't come from the easiest or first girl that throws herself at him. There must be an element of uncertainty that he will win the game. There must be an element of coyness in the girl that indicates she has other options and he better put on his best game if he's going to win her over. If he has no doubt that he can seal the deal, then it's an almost guarantee that he will soon take her for granted and the idea may occur to him that he could have won a better girl if he had tried harder. That's just the way it is! Once a deeper love is achieved, there isn't a need for this strategizing because there are stronger emotions and biology at play. There's a saying that pretty much sums up a guy's role in all of this: "Wink. I'll do the rest." If he's any type of man and he's not a complete idiot in the social world, all you should have to do is give very clear interest by FLIRTING, be FUN, and RECIPROCATE his efforts. Reciprocating is important when you've had a fun time on a date. You don't necessarily have to ask him out like he did with you, but at least let him know in some way you really had a fun time and want to go out again. If you haven't been clear that you're interested, this could easily explain why he hasn't called. If you have been clear, put it out of your mind and have confidence in yourself. It's like a job interview. If after the interview, they don't call you, so what? Don't you want a job where they value your qualifications and skills or do you want a job where you don't feel appreciated?
You may feel that he's interested but he has something holding him back such as work commitments or ending a recent relationship. Try not to spend much time analyzing these situations. Like women, men have their own time frames for being ready for a relationship or dating. There's very little any woman can do to make a man come out of his cave unless he wants to. If you feel you absolutely must call him to satisfy your curiosity, I would stick to the three strike rule. No more than a combination of 3 voicemails, texts, or emails without reciprocation. Sometimes even three is pushing your luck. Anything beyond that and you earn the new title of "psycho-girl" among his friends. What if he responds, but barely? Maybe he texts back in response to a voicemail or it takes several days every time he responds. In Australia, we say, "He's giving you the drips." This means that when you're thirsty for water or something that melts like ice cream, he's only giving you the least amount possible, the drips. Be good to yourself. Move on. If you don't, the bigger problem is your delusions, not his disinterest. -DM
Thursday, May 14, 2009
No, seriously... I'm not interested!
Dear Dating Medic,
I need some help on a subject that I think many of us in the dating world have a hard time with. Rejection. I dislike being rejected but can normally deal with it just fine, although I find it quite unpleasant. I have plenty of suitors who seem eager to date me and get to know me. But the majority of the time I don't feel the same and would rather stay home alone than waste time on something that (I believe) will not work out mutually. Some guys I think are great, quality guys and would be pretty cool as friends but could never see them as a romantic interest. I have the hardest time rejecting a man who asks me out because I feel bad and don't want to hurt his feelings. Guys always tell me they want to hear it straight out but sometimes when you give it to them straight, they can't take it and give you crap. I don't think I've ever heard a guy say, "Sorry, it's not going to work out, there's not going to be a second date" (or sometimes not even after the 5th date). I usually just get the "fade out", or they disappear completely and I never hear from them again. Ignoring the person seems the much easier thing to do and is the route I have chosen more often than not. Although, I feel bad about doing that as well. What's a girl to do? What is your perspective on the matter?
~Calluna
Dear Calluna Vulgaris,
I would first like to agree with you that the subject of rejection is one of the most difficult aspects of dating. Rejection in any arena- dating, a job, school work- can be painful to the ego. The scared little child within us can take rejection quite literally, believing that the person dislikes everything about us. Remember when our mother refused to buy us the toy we wanted? Our response was, "Well, you don't love me then." A child sees rejection as more black and white. They either love me or hate me. Our view of rejection as a child was based more on emotion and not much logic. As silly as it might seem as an adult, when we are faced with a potentially fearful situation- like dating- we often revert to a childhood stage as a defense mechanism. We deal with rejection in the same way we did when we were children. It always amuses me to see guys or girls do something like pout in dating. "...So, you can't go out with me because you made plans with your friends? OK ...well, I REALLY hope you have fun then. You just go ahead without me, I'll just have to ask some OTHER girl." Or how about the person that keeps sending us numerous text messages until we respond. Doesn't it sound a lot like the child pounding on the bedroom door calling Mom's name until she gives in to the tantrum?
So how do we deal with the occasional person who doesn't get the hint? Of course you don't want to hurt their feelings. Of course you want to make it as painless as possible, but when is the best time to deal with a cut on your finger? When it first happens and you can put stinging antiseptic on it or after it has become infected and you have to amputate the whole finger? So you're not interested in them romantically and now you have a very persistent person on your hands. Not everyone acts like a child. Some can be quite mature, but they can be obnoxiously determined. Can you really blame them? Doesn't nearly every romance movie teach us that if we stalk someone long enough, they will change their mind and fall in love with us? This is the faulty belief some daters hold and it's this same belief we have to work around to get them to leave us alone. Let's talk about the "fade away". I would venture a guess that about 90% of people are socially intelligent enough to take a clear hint when it is given. If the person they are pursuing shows less and less interest in them, takes longer to respond to phone calls, or doesn't return them at all, they get a clue and abandon ship. The fade away does seem the easiest route. Even though it's not "assertive honesty", it seems to avoid awkwardness if we're dealing with socially adept daters who know the rules of the game. Then we don't have to have the straight forward talk you mentioned, "I won't be accepting any more dates from you, " and so on. But if they don't get the hint?
First, ask yourself if you've been giving any mixed signals. We're talking about first daters, not relationships. So have you said or done anything that might indicate you were contemplating a relationship with him? When it comes to guys and signals, it really IS like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd asks Mary if he has a future with her. "Just hit me with it! What are the chances?" Then she responds "... one in a million."
"So you're saying there's a chance!!"
Guys really will dismiss a mountain of negative signs if they get just one positive sign of hope. It could be she gave him a simple back rub, a moment of intense eye contact and a smile, even a courteous text at the end of the night that she had a good time. Sometimes a girl's gregarious personality and simple kindness to everyone can be misinterpreted as flirting and romantic interest. Don't blame me, it's just how some of us guys think! A girl smiles and we think there's a chance! Be honest, have you held out a carrot for this guy maybe to boost your own self esteem? Even a little interest shown, or have your signals been void of all romantic intent? If you aren't in the wrong, then you need to implement a plan. No one wants to have to be a jerk, walking around like we're no fun or can't be our happy selves. So what do you do? Because the Dating Medic is a guy, I'm going to give you a guy's analogy.
Police work. All cops are taught in the academy about something called the continuum of force. When dealing with a potentially dangerous or problematic subject, police respond with an equally appropriate level of intervention. Example: A man opens his car door after being pulled over and he begins to exit the vehicle. The cop responds with the first level of intervention. He uses verbal commands. He yells authoritatively at the man, "Sir, get back in your vehicle!" The man returns to the car. Problem solved. Let's say the man is intoxicated and approaches the officer in a confused stagger. The man is not heeding the commands and even unarmed, he could still decapacitate the officer and harm him. The officer chooses to push back the offender with his arms or give him a kick to the shins. The cop's next stage of force may be to take out his baton or tazer and deal with the non-compliant subject with a lesser-lethal weapon. At some point an officer may even need to use lethal force by shooting a suspect to eliminate the danger. Do you see where this is going? For politeness sake in dating, it usually makes sense to start from the bottom of the continuum and try the less forceful techniques.
1) Make it clear that you are thankful for the date(s) but you have decided you only want to be friends. Yes, you can use the excuse of being involved with your ex or you're busy at work, etc, but it all depends on who you are dealing with. YES, most guys DO want you to be honest!! Otherwise, if they really like you they will waste a whole lot of time waiting for you until the opportunity is better.
2) The next level of force is simply more clear discussion. No excuses at this stage. The brutal truth. Lay it on the line. You shouldn't need to give any explanation and it's usually better not to. Any logical reason you give, might give him the idea that he can use "reason" to get you to like him. Use your friends to get the word back to him that you only see him as a buddy. That way he has more witnesses that you mean what you say. Try to set him up with someone else. It may show you still care, but you definitely don't want to date him.
3) We hardly ever get to this level because only the most determined stay in this long. Here's where you may feel you are getting pretty mean. But remember, he is not respecting your clear wishes and he may be beginning to concern you. You have every right to not be harassed. In this stage and perhaps in the previous one, there should be no returning of phone calls and definitely no initiating them. You have said your peace. If he calls ten times and you answer on the eleventh call, all he's learned is that it takes eleven calls before you'll answer. If you give a stray dog a scrap of food, he'll be at your door every night. I've read books that say you should act just the opposite of what you would expect and you should be overly clingy and flirtatious. I've never seen this work out honestly. I can only picture in my mind that it would take a lot of energy and you may just end up trapped because he liked it! You can however start to act obnoxious. Talk frequently about how you can't stand children and happy people, snort while laughing, talk a lot about your female cramps and issues, belch if you have to.
4) The final stage. Let's hope it would never come to this. Formal intervention. Put them on notice that they are not to contact you again. You can decide the consequences if they do, but whatever you do, don't bluff. If you say you will call the police, then really call the police. Fake a new relationship if you don't have one. Seeing you taken may give him closure. If he becomes angry, speak calmly and walk away from him like you would a rabid dog. He'll soon latch on to someone else. Sad but true.
In finishing this analogy, it's also good to remember that a guy or girl may become upset and try to make you feel like you wronged them by leading them on. You said they sometimes "give you crap" when you tell them straight and they can't take it. If you have been partly responsible, own up to your part. If you really aren't at fault, resist the urge to vigorously defend your actions. It isn't necessary. If they understand your wishes, you get what you want by them leaving you alone. A good policemen knows that when a person's pride is hurt by him exercising his authority over them, then it's important to strive to leave the person with some respect. If they have to blame you so they feel they have some sense of power left...so be it. -DM
I need some help on a subject that I think many of us in the dating world have a hard time with. Rejection. I dislike being rejected but can normally deal with it just fine, although I find it quite unpleasant. I have plenty of suitors who seem eager to date me and get to know me. But the majority of the time I don't feel the same and would rather stay home alone than waste time on something that (I believe) will not work out mutually. Some guys I think are great, quality guys and would be pretty cool as friends but could never see them as a romantic interest. I have the hardest time rejecting a man who asks me out because I feel bad and don't want to hurt his feelings. Guys always tell me they want to hear it straight out but sometimes when you give it to them straight, they can't take it and give you crap. I don't think I've ever heard a guy say, "Sorry, it's not going to work out, there's not going to be a second date" (or sometimes not even after the 5th date). I usually just get the "fade out", or they disappear completely and I never hear from them again. Ignoring the person seems the much easier thing to do and is the route I have chosen more often than not. Although, I feel bad about doing that as well. What's a girl to do? What is your perspective on the matter?
~Calluna
Dear Calluna Vulgaris,
I would first like to agree with you that the subject of rejection is one of the most difficult aspects of dating. Rejection in any arena- dating, a job, school work- can be painful to the ego. The scared little child within us can take rejection quite literally, believing that the person dislikes everything about us. Remember when our mother refused to buy us the toy we wanted? Our response was, "Well, you don't love me then." A child sees rejection as more black and white. They either love me or hate me. Our view of rejection as a child was based more on emotion and not much logic. As silly as it might seem as an adult, when we are faced with a potentially fearful situation- like dating- we often revert to a childhood stage as a defense mechanism. We deal with rejection in the same way we did when we were children. It always amuses me to see guys or girls do something like pout in dating. "...So, you can't go out with me because you made plans with your friends? OK ...well, I REALLY hope you have fun then. You just go ahead without me, I'll just have to ask some OTHER girl." Or how about the person that keeps sending us numerous text messages until we respond. Doesn't it sound a lot like the child pounding on the bedroom door calling Mom's name until she gives in to the tantrum?
So how do we deal with the occasional person who doesn't get the hint? Of course you don't want to hurt their feelings. Of course you want to make it as painless as possible, but when is the best time to deal with a cut on your finger? When it first happens and you can put stinging antiseptic on it or after it has become infected and you have to amputate the whole finger? So you're not interested in them romantically and now you have a very persistent person on your hands. Not everyone acts like a child. Some can be quite mature, but they can be obnoxiously determined. Can you really blame them? Doesn't nearly every romance movie teach us that if we stalk someone long enough, they will change their mind and fall in love with us? This is the faulty belief some daters hold and it's this same belief we have to work around to get them to leave us alone. Let's talk about the "fade away". I would venture a guess that about 90% of people are socially intelligent enough to take a clear hint when it is given. If the person they are pursuing shows less and less interest in them, takes longer to respond to phone calls, or doesn't return them at all, they get a clue and abandon ship. The fade away does seem the easiest route. Even though it's not "assertive honesty", it seems to avoid awkwardness if we're dealing with socially adept daters who know the rules of the game. Then we don't have to have the straight forward talk you mentioned, "I won't be accepting any more dates from you, " and so on. But if they don't get the hint?
First, ask yourself if you've been giving any mixed signals. We're talking about first daters, not relationships. So have you said or done anything that might indicate you were contemplating a relationship with him? When it comes to guys and signals, it really IS like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd asks Mary if he has a future with her. "Just hit me with it! What are the chances?" Then she responds "... one in a million."
"So you're saying there's a chance!!"
Guys really will dismiss a mountain of negative signs if they get just one positive sign of hope. It could be she gave him a simple back rub, a moment of intense eye contact and a smile, even a courteous text at the end of the night that she had a good time. Sometimes a girl's gregarious personality and simple kindness to everyone can be misinterpreted as flirting and romantic interest. Don't blame me, it's just how some of us guys think! A girl smiles and we think there's a chance! Be honest, have you held out a carrot for this guy maybe to boost your own self esteem? Even a little interest shown, or have your signals been void of all romantic intent? If you aren't in the wrong, then you need to implement a plan. No one wants to have to be a jerk, walking around like we're no fun or can't be our happy selves. So what do you do? Because the Dating Medic is a guy, I'm going to give you a guy's analogy.
Police work. All cops are taught in the academy about something called the continuum of force. When dealing with a potentially dangerous or problematic subject, police respond with an equally appropriate level of intervention. Example: A man opens his car door after being pulled over and he begins to exit the vehicle. The cop responds with the first level of intervention. He uses verbal commands. He yells authoritatively at the man, "Sir, get back in your vehicle!" The man returns to the car. Problem solved. Let's say the man is intoxicated and approaches the officer in a confused stagger. The man is not heeding the commands and even unarmed, he could still decapacitate the officer and harm him. The officer chooses to push back the offender with his arms or give him a kick to the shins. The cop's next stage of force may be to take out his baton or tazer and deal with the non-compliant subject with a lesser-lethal weapon. At some point an officer may even need to use lethal force by shooting a suspect to eliminate the danger. Do you see where this is going? For politeness sake in dating, it usually makes sense to start from the bottom of the continuum and try the less forceful techniques.
1) Make it clear that you are thankful for the date(s) but you have decided you only want to be friends. Yes, you can use the excuse of being involved with your ex or you're busy at work, etc, but it all depends on who you are dealing with. YES, most guys DO want you to be honest!! Otherwise, if they really like you they will waste a whole lot of time waiting for you until the opportunity is better.
2) The next level of force is simply more clear discussion. No excuses at this stage. The brutal truth. Lay it on the line. You shouldn't need to give any explanation and it's usually better not to. Any logical reason you give, might give him the idea that he can use "reason" to get you to like him. Use your friends to get the word back to him that you only see him as a buddy. That way he has more witnesses that you mean what you say. Try to set him up with someone else. It may show you still care, but you definitely don't want to date him.
3) We hardly ever get to this level because only the most determined stay in this long. Here's where you may feel you are getting pretty mean. But remember, he is not respecting your clear wishes and he may be beginning to concern you. You have every right to not be harassed. In this stage and perhaps in the previous one, there should be no returning of phone calls and definitely no initiating them. You have said your peace. If he calls ten times and you answer on the eleventh call, all he's learned is that it takes eleven calls before you'll answer. If you give a stray dog a scrap of food, he'll be at your door every night. I've read books that say you should act just the opposite of what you would expect and you should be overly clingy and flirtatious. I've never seen this work out honestly. I can only picture in my mind that it would take a lot of energy and you may just end up trapped because he liked it! You can however start to act obnoxious. Talk frequently about how you can't stand children and happy people, snort while laughing, talk a lot about your female cramps and issues, belch if you have to.
4) The final stage. Let's hope it would never come to this. Formal intervention. Put them on notice that they are not to contact you again. You can decide the consequences if they do, but whatever you do, don't bluff. If you say you will call the police, then really call the police. Fake a new relationship if you don't have one. Seeing you taken may give him closure. If he becomes angry, speak calmly and walk away from him like you would a rabid dog. He'll soon latch on to someone else. Sad but true.
In finishing this analogy, it's also good to remember that a guy or girl may become upset and try to make you feel like you wronged them by leading them on. You said they sometimes "give you crap" when you tell them straight and they can't take it. If you have been partly responsible, own up to your part. If you really aren't at fault, resist the urge to vigorously defend your actions. It isn't necessary. If they understand your wishes, you get what you want by them leaving you alone. A good policemen knows that when a person's pride is hurt by him exercising his authority over them, then it's important to strive to leave the person with some respect. If they have to blame you so they feel they have some sense of power left...so be it. -DM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What's the deal with this thing called romance?
I liked my Sociology 101 class in college. When the weather got warm in the Spring, the girls started wearing their summer clothes and the campus suddenly became a less tiresome place to spend my time. There was a cute girl in class that kept me distracted, but despite my gazing, I always seemed to absorb most of what was taught in the lectures. One of my favorite chapters that semester was about the history of relationships between men and women. We learned about the progression of society from the hunter and gatherer culture to the modern day urbanites. The roles that men and women play in the family unit have changed over time. We were taught that men traditionally were the hunters of food and protectors of women and children who were more vulnerable to dangers posed by things like enemy tribes and other brutish men. In exchange, the women provided a service of assisting in food preparation and raising children. As society advanced, we know of course that people started farming and building cities, then trading with money, etc., etc. In the 1950’s, we reached the apex of what is termed the traditional marriage relationship described as the “breadwinner/ homemaker model”. Basically, the man worked outside the home and the woman stayed home to care for the children and maintain the domestic necessities. This seemed to work quite well, but it was very different from mankind's beginnings in tribal life. People were now living in secure houses, in organized cities. Everyday life was safer. Women no longer had the same pressing need for protection from their men. Men also had less of a need for women to do things such as educate their children because they now had public schools to relieve some of the burden. In the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, women flooded into the workforce and attained higher levels of education. This made them more valuable to the economy, but in turn, it changed the role of the man as sole provider to the family. So…where am I going with all of this? Well, simply put… over time men and women have come to need each other less for basic survival. Most scholars agree that for the majority of human existence, relationships consisted of a very different type of agreement than we are familiar with today. The sexes joined in partnerships that fulfilled important necessities in a complimentary manner. Concepts such as arranged marriages worked to serve this purpose quite well. Being really physically attracted to your spouse was a bonus, but not the main goal. Once men and women had the ability to provide for their own necessities, marriage was no longer such a business-type deal. People then had to come up with some other reason to look for each other and stay together. “WHOA!” you say? Now, I’m not saying that love is a new concept. Yet, sociologists argue that what we understand as “romantic love”, or the degree to which romantic love is important in a relationship, is a new concept. Most agree that this focus on romance as the main impetus behind committed relationships has only been around for about 200 years. Of course you can always find journals and writings to prove that romance indeed existed through all ages of time, but it was never as important as it is today.
So back to springtime on my campus. I’m sitting there in class wondering why I wasn’t born in the day of the cavemen. I wouldn’t have to go through all of this strategizing, primping, chivalry, and small-talk about things I don’t care about just to prove that I’m cool enough to date. I could just sneak up behind the brunette girl with the long legs, hit her on the head with a stick, and carry her off in a sack. She would soon forgive me because she would be happy that she was chosen over her friends. She would be relieved that she had a man to protect her and I would be happy I had someone to cook my meals and bear me children. Oh, if only… But instead, I never gather the courage to ask her out and I invent reasons in my head why she wasn’t worth asking out in the first place. Isn’t there some sort of compromise between these two worlds; a middle ground between the good old days of the utility spouse and the present day romance novel lover?
It’s widely believed that divorce trends are closely associated to the relationship dynamics explained in our history lesson. Relationships that are hyper-romanced tend not to be based in reality. They tend to be more self-serving instead of serving. The goal used to be, “I can feel fulfilled by succeeding in my role within the symbiotic relationship with my partner; which is necessary for the success of my family and society.” Now the goal turns more to, “I can feel fulfilled when my physical, emotional, material, and intellectual desires are satisfied by what my partner has to offer.” I know it sounds extreme. I would hope every decent person would make an effort to satisfy those same desires in their partner, but for too many it becomes a cost/benefit analysis. Why do we hear stories about the spouse who “fell out of love” and found a new lover because their partner had become physically unattractive to them, emotionally distant, or boring? Isn’t the thought scary that we can just be traded in for something better if we don’t fulfill all of our partner’s expectations? Maybe in the olden days there was never such a high expectation placed on the relationship in the first place; i.e. believing that its primary purpose was to fulfill all of our romantic desires. We talk about the spark disappearing in the relationship like that little “spark” was the only thing keeping us warm the whole time and that without it we would freeze in the cold night air. If you’re in a marriage that is free of abuse and infidelity and each partner if fulfilling their primary duties, I would argue that you have a very good thing going for you. There’s a whole bonfire of wood fueling your relationship! Maybe back in the day, more effort was made to keep a marriage intact because of what it meant to the success of the family and society. I apologize that now I feel Mother Teresa channeling through me, but maybe we have forgotten that what is given away is never lost. I’m asking for a paradigm shift. Let’s look at relationships and marriage like the service project that keeps giving back. Start asking yourself how you can be the partner that will play their instrument the best they can in the grand orchestra. An orchestra that has potential for creating exquisite music. We can learn a good deal about being romantic and being so is usually a good thing, but let’s not let the good things of life rob us of the best things. Don’t hate on me. It’s just history.
So back to springtime on my campus. I’m sitting there in class wondering why I wasn’t born in the day of the cavemen. I wouldn’t have to go through all of this strategizing, primping, chivalry, and small-talk about things I don’t care about just to prove that I’m cool enough to date. I could just sneak up behind the brunette girl with the long legs, hit her on the head with a stick, and carry her off in a sack. She would soon forgive me because she would be happy that she was chosen over her friends. She would be relieved that she had a man to protect her and I would be happy I had someone to cook my meals and bear me children. Oh, if only… But instead, I never gather the courage to ask her out and I invent reasons in my head why she wasn’t worth asking out in the first place. Isn’t there some sort of compromise between these two worlds; a middle ground between the good old days of the utility spouse and the present day romance novel lover?
It’s widely believed that divorce trends are closely associated to the relationship dynamics explained in our history lesson. Relationships that are hyper-romanced tend not to be based in reality. They tend to be more self-serving instead of serving. The goal used to be, “I can feel fulfilled by succeeding in my role within the symbiotic relationship with my partner; which is necessary for the success of my family and society.” Now the goal turns more to, “I can feel fulfilled when my physical, emotional, material, and intellectual desires are satisfied by what my partner has to offer.” I know it sounds extreme. I would hope every decent person would make an effort to satisfy those same desires in their partner, but for too many it becomes a cost/benefit analysis. Why do we hear stories about the spouse who “fell out of love” and found a new lover because their partner had become physically unattractive to them, emotionally distant, or boring? Isn’t the thought scary that we can just be traded in for something better if we don’t fulfill all of our partner’s expectations? Maybe in the olden days there was never such a high expectation placed on the relationship in the first place; i.e. believing that its primary purpose was to fulfill all of our romantic desires. We talk about the spark disappearing in the relationship like that little “spark” was the only thing keeping us warm the whole time and that without it we would freeze in the cold night air. If you’re in a marriage that is free of abuse and infidelity and each partner if fulfilling their primary duties, I would argue that you have a very good thing going for you. There’s a whole bonfire of wood fueling your relationship! Maybe back in the day, more effort was made to keep a marriage intact because of what it meant to the success of the family and society. I apologize that now I feel Mother Teresa channeling through me, but maybe we have forgotten that what is given away is never lost. I’m asking for a paradigm shift. Let’s look at relationships and marriage like the service project that keeps giving back. Start asking yourself how you can be the partner that will play their instrument the best they can in the grand orchestra. An orchestra that has potential for creating exquisite music. We can learn a good deal about being romantic and being so is usually a good thing, but let’s not let the good things of life rob us of the best things. Don’t hate on me. It’s just history.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Anonymous Reader
Comment from an Anonymous Reader:
As I sat here reading this, I thought of all the times I smothered the person I was dating as I realized I was losing control in the relationship. I never did a crazy act or behavior toward them, but I gave them 10X more love than I would have given them before in attempts to hold on to them or get them to love me more. This is a sure way to drive someone away. Even though I didn't harm them or their property, or even stalk them, I believe this is another form of psychotic behavior. It's that uncontrolable action taken as we fear that we are losing our power. As I've matured in dating and relationships, I've realized that love is an addiction (like you said) and like all addictions, we must have self-control to control our appetites or desires. I've also gained a better understanding of a persons right to choose and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. If that person chooses to draw away from you, than you have no choice but to give them that freedom. It takes a lot of strength and will-power, but like every other addiction, we can overcome it.
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Dear Anonymous Reader,
One of my favorite quotes about love comes from the book I previously mentioned, When Love Meets Fear. It says the perfect relationship is one where "two liberties meet, embrace, salute, and protect each other. It's not throwing one's liberty away; it is cherishing yours and someone else's." I like what you said about having self control to not smother the other person and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. In today's society, we are inculcated to believe that real love is the type where we are consumed. Love songs and movies teach us that when someone is in love, they can't live without the other person. They teach us that if we arrange some big production like racing to the airport to stop someone's from leaving, announce our love on the Jumbo Tron in a sports stadium, or get a whole crowd or airplane filled with people (Wedding Singer) to assist us, we can win someone back someone's love. We expect that if someone is not at the same place as us, they only need to be convinced of our dedication and they will change their mind. This simply isn't reality. It's an attempt to control or at least manipulate another's actions. Our behavior is fear based and seeks to avoid our own personal loss instead of love based which seeks first the happiness of the other person. Now deep down we may believe that we are the ones that can provide their best happiness and there's nothing wrong with that desire, but in this battle we become our own worst enemies. Infactuation/lust is clingy. Love can let go. It's one of the toughest lessons to learn, but if we state our feelings clearly so that our intentions are clear, we should be able to sit still with that faith that if they are the one for us... they will come back and it will all work out. But if not, then we have that faith there is someone better suited and ready for us.
-DM
As I sat here reading this, I thought of all the times I smothered the person I was dating as I realized I was losing control in the relationship. I never did a crazy act or behavior toward them, but I gave them 10X more love than I would have given them before in attempts to hold on to them or get them to love me more. This is a sure way to drive someone away. Even though I didn't harm them or their property, or even stalk them, I believe this is another form of psychotic behavior. It's that uncontrolable action taken as we fear that we are losing our power. As I've matured in dating and relationships, I've realized that love is an addiction (like you said) and like all addictions, we must have self-control to control our appetites or desires. I've also gained a better understanding of a persons right to choose and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. If that person chooses to draw away from you, than you have no choice but to give them that freedom. It takes a lot of strength and will-power, but like every other addiction, we can overcome it.
**********************************************************
Dear Anonymous Reader,
One of my favorite quotes about love comes from the book I previously mentioned, When Love Meets Fear. It says the perfect relationship is one where "two liberties meet, embrace, salute, and protect each other. It's not throwing one's liberty away; it is cherishing yours and someone else's." I like what you said about having self control to not smother the other person and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. In today's society, we are inculcated to believe that real love is the type where we are consumed. Love songs and movies teach us that when someone is in love, they can't live without the other person. They teach us that if we arrange some big production like racing to the airport to stop someone's from leaving, announce our love on the Jumbo Tron in a sports stadium, or get a whole crowd or airplane filled with people (Wedding Singer) to assist us, we can win someone back someone's love. We expect that if someone is not at the same place as us, they only need to be convinced of our dedication and they will change their mind. This simply isn't reality. It's an attempt to control or at least manipulate another's actions. Our behavior is fear based and seeks to avoid our own personal loss instead of love based which seeks first the happiness of the other person. Now deep down we may believe that we are the ones that can provide their best happiness and there's nothing wrong with that desire, but in this battle we become our own worst enemies. Infactuation/lust is clingy. Love can let go. It's one of the toughest lessons to learn, but if we state our feelings clearly so that our intentions are clear, we should be able to sit still with that faith that if they are the one for us... they will come back and it will all work out. But if not, then we have that faith there is someone better suited and ready for us.
-DM
Monday, April 13, 2009
Love Drove Me to Insanity
How is it that love can transform a reasonable man or woman into a raving lunatic? I recently spoke with a good friend of mine who told me how he is almost done paying off his $8,000 criminal fine for something that happened with his ex-fiance. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a nicer, more easy going, stable, romantic guy... so I of course had to know what happened. We'll call him Joe. Joe had suspected something was amiss with his fiance. They had their disagreements and problems to work through like every couple and it seemed the relationship was getting worse than better, but a commitment to each other was still intact. Enter the competitor. Joe knew his fiance was getting buddy-buddy with a new guy and that's when the stomach acid production kicked up. I'm assuming this is the part where the phone calls started getting more scarce, texts took all day for her to respond to, she suddenly became more busy. Following Exchange Theory law, the person with least interest in the relationship has the most power. The incredible part is what we learn about ourselves when we feel the ground disappearing beneath us. How can a reasonable, logical, placid individual be driven to a moment of complete insanity so uncharacteristic of himself? I know you're dying to know what happened, so I'll tell you. Apparently, Joe's apartment front door faces the front door of his fiance. Joe recognized the vehicle of the man who had replaced him, parked in front of her place. He also watched the front door like a hawk and at 3:00am it became apparent that this man was going to stay overnight. Feeling his world coming crashing down, Joe decided he must take action. Not wanting a personal confrontation with the man, but wanting the man and his fiance to learn a lesson, Joe began by slashing the man's vehicle tires with a knife. This didn't leave him satisfied, so he found some caustic paint remover and applied it to the sides and hood of the car. Needing some aggression release, he topped it off by repeatedly throwing a cinder block on top of the hood and windshield. Having felt he did what he had to, he went to sleep. The next morning his fiance and the man called him on the phone, accusing him of the crime. Joe denied he knew anything about it until he was confronted by the police who told him he was caught on video. Although Joe feels remorse, he jokingly says he would do it again if he had the chance because the guy will think twice the next time. Now to some of us, the possibility of facing criminal Class A Misdemeanor charges would be enough deterrent. There was a much simpler way at getting back at them. The private school where his fiance was enrolled forbids overnight visits by the opposite sex within school housing. Joe could have reported this fact to the school authorities and both his fiance and her new love interest would have been expelled from college. Why did he resort to criminal activity?
Haven't we all at least felt like Joe at least one time in our dating careers? If you've been around the block a few times, you come to realize that Anyone is capable of Anything. The difference between being in control and slipping off the edge in a moment of complete insanity is closer than we realize. It's not uncommon for lovers who are losing ground to go out of their way at odd hours of the night to do a drive-by to see who's parked in front of their mate's house. I'm sure if you haven't tried this one, you've thought about it: sneaking into their cell phone to check texts and recent calls. I've even been guilty of tracking down a girlfriend through a reverse search of a telephone number she once called me from. I found an address and her car parked there- all night long. I felt the same accelerating heart beat as I drove closer, refusing to believe it was her car. I know the same gut check, like a pro boxer just socked you in the stomach. Unlike Joe, I didn't trash her car, but I did leave a strongly worded note. Even during the fact, it can seem crazy to us that we may have someone followed or do something like record phone conversations. Statistically, if you go to such measures to verify if you're being cheated on, your intuition is most likely correct. That's a topic for another day... But when we're faced with the truth, why don't we just accept it and move on quickly? Why do we dive into the moment, subjecting ourselves to unspeakable pain when we know it's over? The answer to this one is composed of two factors: 1) Fear 2) Brain chemistry
1) Fear overcomes us when we lose our power. Any control that we perceive fear has over us, comes directly from our belief that we have no alternative. Joe felt that he had no alternative. As illogical as it might sound now, he felt that he couldn't ignore such a betrayal happening before his eyes. He also felt the fear of a physical confrontation because the guy was bigger than he was. He also didn't want to wait until morning for the slow administrative process of getting the two in trouble with the school. His emotions were real, painfully acute, presently happening, and he presently needed to remedy them. He felt he had no alternative and he succumbed to the fear of losing his power. Only in retrospect does he realize that he lost his power anyways. Now he has a criminal record and has to pay for the vehicle damages. No one can take away your power. We either keep it, give it away, or try to use to to control.
2) Brain chemistry creates an actual physical addiction. We've all heard of the differences between healthy compassionate love and lust/infatuation. A Time Magazine article states that lust is fueled by testosterone. Compassionate love involves the neurotransmitters vasopressin and oxytocin. In a more romantic type love, there is a higher degree of passion. This passion engages the same dopamine system that is utilized in obsessive drives like drug and gambling addictions. Now this usually is a good thing. Being "Addicted to Love" like many love ballads proclaim, is real and it's generally beneficial to some degree. It's part of the glue that keeps us coming back to the person to work things out after an argument. It's part of a healthy heartache when we miss someone. Our minds set up actual, physical, neurological pathways dedicated to that person. Imagine a network of fiber optic cables running through your brain, all assigned solely for your thoughts and actions involving your lover. Now imagine how anchored some of these pathways can be fixed in your brain after a lengthy or intense relationship. Research proves that dismantling this bond can be as difficult as quitting a heroine addiction! We literally crave the other person like a drug. The fear of losing the ability to satisfy our dopamine urges, can influence us to do crazy things just like any drug addict.
Combine the fear of losing power with our dopamine addiction, and it's a wonder we don't tread on the pathway of insanity more often. But of course, we can train ourselves to manage both. A good place to start is reading up on the subject. I would suggest reading a book like When Love Meets Fear by David Richo. It's a little out there in the holistic, healing side at times, but it offers excellent advice. We can also give ourselves more options before we are presented with such a fear evoking scenario. As humorous as it might sound, while we are in a sane state of mind we can imagine painful scenarios and then the terrible possible consequences if we chose to respond out of control. Then we will already have healthy alternatives and coping strategies in place if the painful event does happen. Usually problems such as cheating are preceded by a long list of suspicions. The time to prepare for the worst is not when the storm finally hits. Instead, we should begin to manage our emotions when we feel the winds start to change.
Haven't we all at least felt like Joe at least one time in our dating careers? If you've been around the block a few times, you come to realize that Anyone is capable of Anything. The difference between being in control and slipping off the edge in a moment of complete insanity is closer than we realize. It's not uncommon for lovers who are losing ground to go out of their way at odd hours of the night to do a drive-by to see who's parked in front of their mate's house. I'm sure if you haven't tried this one, you've thought about it: sneaking into their cell phone to check texts and recent calls. I've even been guilty of tracking down a girlfriend through a reverse search of a telephone number she once called me from. I found an address and her car parked there- all night long. I felt the same accelerating heart beat as I drove closer, refusing to believe it was her car. I know the same gut check, like a pro boxer just socked you in the stomach. Unlike Joe, I didn't trash her car, but I did leave a strongly worded note. Even during the fact, it can seem crazy to us that we may have someone followed or do something like record phone conversations. Statistically, if you go to such measures to verify if you're being cheated on, your intuition is most likely correct. That's a topic for another day... But when we're faced with the truth, why don't we just accept it and move on quickly? Why do we dive into the moment, subjecting ourselves to unspeakable pain when we know it's over? The answer to this one is composed of two factors: 1) Fear 2) Brain chemistry
1) Fear overcomes us when we lose our power. Any control that we perceive fear has over us, comes directly from our belief that we have no alternative. Joe felt that he had no alternative. As illogical as it might sound now, he felt that he couldn't ignore such a betrayal happening before his eyes. He also felt the fear of a physical confrontation because the guy was bigger than he was. He also didn't want to wait until morning for the slow administrative process of getting the two in trouble with the school. His emotions were real, painfully acute, presently happening, and he presently needed to remedy them. He felt he had no alternative and he succumbed to the fear of losing his power. Only in retrospect does he realize that he lost his power anyways. Now he has a criminal record and has to pay for the vehicle damages. No one can take away your power. We either keep it, give it away, or try to use to to control.
2) Brain chemistry creates an actual physical addiction. We've all heard of the differences between healthy compassionate love and lust/infatuation. A Time Magazine article states that lust is fueled by testosterone. Compassionate love involves the neurotransmitters vasopressin and oxytocin. In a more romantic type love, there is a higher degree of passion. This passion engages the same dopamine system that is utilized in obsessive drives like drug and gambling addictions. Now this usually is a good thing. Being "Addicted to Love" like many love ballads proclaim, is real and it's generally beneficial to some degree. It's part of the glue that keeps us coming back to the person to work things out after an argument. It's part of a healthy heartache when we miss someone. Our minds set up actual, physical, neurological pathways dedicated to that person. Imagine a network of fiber optic cables running through your brain, all assigned solely for your thoughts and actions involving your lover. Now imagine how anchored some of these pathways can be fixed in your brain after a lengthy or intense relationship. Research proves that dismantling this bond can be as difficult as quitting a heroine addiction! We literally crave the other person like a drug. The fear of losing the ability to satisfy our dopamine urges, can influence us to do crazy things just like any drug addict.
Combine the fear of losing power with our dopamine addiction, and it's a wonder we don't tread on the pathway of insanity more often. But of course, we can train ourselves to manage both. A good place to start is reading up on the subject. I would suggest reading a book like When Love Meets Fear by David Richo. It's a little out there in the holistic, healing side at times, but it offers excellent advice. We can also give ourselves more options before we are presented with such a fear evoking scenario. As humorous as it might sound, while we are in a sane state of mind we can imagine painful scenarios and then the terrible possible consequences if we chose to respond out of control. Then we will already have healthy alternatives and coping strategies in place if the painful event does happen. Usually problems such as cheating are preceded by a long list of suspicions. The time to prepare for the worst is not when the storm finally hits. Instead, we should begin to manage our emotions when we feel the winds start to change.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Almost Fiance
The following is a response to a woman who wished to remain anonymous. It was answered less formaly than most of my postings since it was not originally intended to be posted. However, her question deals with a man who changed his mind about marrying her after she moved to where he lives and others may benefit from her story:
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Dear Almost Fiance,
When someone (guy or girl) tells you that it's "just too much" or if they use any words similar to "pressure", "forced", or "space", "not enough time or room in their life", I want you to picture your heart in the their hands as they squeeze tighter and tighter, trying to make their point. Then I want you to picture them arresting the beating of your heart. As gruesome as it seems, you need this image in your mind at this time! There is no clearer way that many people with commitment issues can tell you that they are unavailable. The fact is, they may care for you deeply, but they care more their own self-preservation interests if they continue to hold you on the line, knowing how you feel about them. People who have commitment issues have just as hard of a time saying "No" as they do saying "Yes". Of course it may be true, of course he may believe it, but it is INAPPROPRIATE for him to continue telling you that you are beautiful and to initiate contact with you if you have made it obvious that you are still in love and that it hurts you. When you get to the point of marriage, as I had, going back to just friends so quickly would not only be weird, it would signify that the relationship probably wasn't what you thought it was when it was good. I too moved states for someone I was going to marry. I know how it hurts, I know how you can feel a million emotions at once. Although he probably tried to make it work longer than mine did (she gave it one hour when I moved here), your moving is what put it to the test. You see, when you lived in different places it was safe. He was free to say and do things as he pleased because he was far from being actually faced with responsibility, and commitment of marriage. This doesn’t mean that he wasn’t being sincere before. He may have actually believed it for the most part himself, but if had had felt these inklings before he may not have said anything to you because he was hoping it would go away or maybe he never really thought you would move out there. When my girlfriend told me she wanted me to move to where she was so we could get ready for marriage, she actually told me when I arrived, “I guess I never really thought you would come.” So… take note and be aware when people are not equally invested as you are because they may do things that don’t fairly take into account your vulnerability. You lived without regret! How admirable and amazing! There is no other way to live fully and you should feel peace knowing that you did everything you possibly could do.
Now comes the hard part. If you haven’t done it, you have to tell him how you still feel about him and how it hurts you to stay in contact if he cannot commit to you in a relationship. You’ve come too far now to play coy and beat around the bush about your intentions. You almost got married so complete honesty is the only way. If getting back together doesn’t work, and it honestly sounds like this is not plausible, you have to do what your family and friends have been trying to tell you. Cut it off clean and fast like a mangled limb! No contact, no texts, no emails, no bumping it to each other. You have to start thinking in the left side of the brain! Logic. Self-preservation mode. It sucks! I know, but why do so many people tell you this is how is has to be. Namely because you can’t control people. Even if he is really busy with school and work or his mom doesn’t like you, none of that matters! He is his own person and if he was 1) Ready for the marriage commitment and 2) Wanting to make that commitment with YOU specifically; then he will put in the effort to make it happen. It’s that simple! Would you want anybody who would do any less? I’m not going to go into the details of the physiology of the brain, but long and/or meaningful relationships create intricate neuron pathways that are dedicated specifically for that person or subject. Just the same as practicing the piano increases your skill through habit, you have to dismantle those damaging habit pathways of a failed relationship and reassign the neurons for other behaviors and thoughts. I read some research that stated breaking up can be as hard as overcoming a cocaine or heroine addiction! We all know what it’s like to see a similar car that our ex drove or to see someone that looks like them from behind and your hair stands on end and a rush or emotion follows. It’s because of those real and physical pathways in our brain that make those associations to the powerful emotions we felt. The easiest way to control our sanity is to dismantle the associations by removing the source. If you maintain any hope that he may come to his senses one day, I want you to put it in a little bottle and throw it as far away from you as you can. IF that ever happens that he returns ready for marriage, it will NOT be because of any further efforts you make to save the relationship at this point. I can guarantee that any more you do, will only push him further and any more contact you allow as “friends” will only enable him to drive you to a worse condition when you are not able to be just friends. You really have no other option.
Lastly, let’s talk about your self-esteem. Boys do like you. Boys do want to go out with you. Do you know how many billions of people are in this world? Do you know how many millions would love the opportunity to go out with you and treat you how you would like to be treated? Don’t worry about not feeling so great about dating at this time. That’s completely normal. You don’t have to feel despair, but you can say this really sucks right now and I don’t like it. It’s OK to feel lonely. It’s OK to feel not your best right now. Why? Because allowing yourself to grieve without turning to quick fixes or crutches will allow your body’s emotional auto-immune system to kick in. Even if you did nothing, it would fix itself. To help yourself along the way, yes, do try to get out. Read some good books. I suggest “He’s Scared, She’s Scared: How to End Sabotaging Relationships”. Just remember and BELIEVE. It will get better. You WILL be in love again.
-DM
**********************************************************
Dear Almost Fiance,
When someone (guy or girl) tells you that it's "just too much" or if they use any words similar to "pressure", "forced", or "space", "not enough time or room in their life", I want you to picture your heart in the their hands as they squeeze tighter and tighter, trying to make their point. Then I want you to picture them arresting the beating of your heart. As gruesome as it seems, you need this image in your mind at this time! There is no clearer way that many people with commitment issues can tell you that they are unavailable. The fact is, they may care for you deeply, but they care more their own self-preservation interests if they continue to hold you on the line, knowing how you feel about them. People who have commitment issues have just as hard of a time saying "No" as they do saying "Yes". Of course it may be true, of course he may believe it, but it is INAPPROPRIATE for him to continue telling you that you are beautiful and to initiate contact with you if you have made it obvious that you are still in love and that it hurts you. When you get to the point of marriage, as I had, going back to just friends so quickly would not only be weird, it would signify that the relationship probably wasn't what you thought it was when it was good. I too moved states for someone I was going to marry. I know how it hurts, I know how you can feel a million emotions at once. Although he probably tried to make it work longer than mine did (she gave it one hour when I moved here), your moving is what put it to the test. You see, when you lived in different places it was safe. He was free to say and do things as he pleased because he was far from being actually faced with responsibility, and commitment of marriage. This doesn’t mean that he wasn’t being sincere before. He may have actually believed it for the most part himself, but if had had felt these inklings before he may not have said anything to you because he was hoping it would go away or maybe he never really thought you would move out there. When my girlfriend told me she wanted me to move to where she was so we could get ready for marriage, she actually told me when I arrived, “I guess I never really thought you would come.” So… take note and be aware when people are not equally invested as you are because they may do things that don’t fairly take into account your vulnerability. You lived without regret! How admirable and amazing! There is no other way to live fully and you should feel peace knowing that you did everything you possibly could do.
Now comes the hard part. If you haven’t done it, you have to tell him how you still feel about him and how it hurts you to stay in contact if he cannot commit to you in a relationship. You’ve come too far now to play coy and beat around the bush about your intentions. You almost got married so complete honesty is the only way. If getting back together doesn’t work, and it honestly sounds like this is not plausible, you have to do what your family and friends have been trying to tell you. Cut it off clean and fast like a mangled limb! No contact, no texts, no emails, no bumping it to each other. You have to start thinking in the left side of the brain! Logic. Self-preservation mode. It sucks! I know, but why do so many people tell you this is how is has to be. Namely because you can’t control people. Even if he is really busy with school and work or his mom doesn’t like you, none of that matters! He is his own person and if he was 1) Ready for the marriage commitment and 2) Wanting to make that commitment with YOU specifically; then he will put in the effort to make it happen. It’s that simple! Would you want anybody who would do any less? I’m not going to go into the details of the physiology of the brain, but long and/or meaningful relationships create intricate neuron pathways that are dedicated specifically for that person or subject. Just the same as practicing the piano increases your skill through habit, you have to dismantle those damaging habit pathways of a failed relationship and reassign the neurons for other behaviors and thoughts. I read some research that stated breaking up can be as hard as overcoming a cocaine or heroine addiction! We all know what it’s like to see a similar car that our ex drove or to see someone that looks like them from behind and your hair stands on end and a rush or emotion follows. It’s because of those real and physical pathways in our brain that make those associations to the powerful emotions we felt. The easiest way to control our sanity is to dismantle the associations by removing the source. If you maintain any hope that he may come to his senses one day, I want you to put it in a little bottle and throw it as far away from you as you can. IF that ever happens that he returns ready for marriage, it will NOT be because of any further efforts you make to save the relationship at this point. I can guarantee that any more you do, will only push him further and any more contact you allow as “friends” will only enable him to drive you to a worse condition when you are not able to be just friends. You really have no other option.
Lastly, let’s talk about your self-esteem. Boys do like you. Boys do want to go out with you. Do you know how many billions of people are in this world? Do you know how many millions would love the opportunity to go out with you and treat you how you would like to be treated? Don’t worry about not feeling so great about dating at this time. That’s completely normal. You don’t have to feel despair, but you can say this really sucks right now and I don’t like it. It’s OK to feel lonely. It’s OK to feel not your best right now. Why? Because allowing yourself to grieve without turning to quick fixes or crutches will allow your body’s emotional auto-immune system to kick in. Even if you did nothing, it would fix itself. To help yourself along the way, yes, do try to get out. Read some good books. I suggest “He’s Scared, She’s Scared: How to End Sabotaging Relationships”. Just remember and BELIEVE. It will get better. You WILL be in love again.
-DM
Friday, January 2, 2009
Hoping Virginia Really IS For Lovers
Dear Dating Medic,
This may fall into the category of "how to make the transition from friend to something more," but its a bit more complex than that. I've known this guy for 4 years now, and from day 1, we hit it off - banter back and forth, attraction, etc. - even a few dates (after my friend that introduced us got over the fact that he wasn't interested in her). Then it kind of fizzled - but not in a bad "I can't believe he never called" again way. Truth be told, I didn't really think much of it. Fast forward a few years ... I've dated a bunch of guys in the meantime, and he has too (um, girls, obviously). We are still friends. We see each other at social events once every six months or so, and every time we see each other, we pick up right back where we left off, and things are great. Then we continue to talk for a few weeks after that, and then it stops again. The last time I felt like he was trying to gauge my interest, I was dating someone, so obviously I didn't reciprocate anything. When he found out that I was going to be in San Fran for the 4th of July, and he was too, he made plans to stay a day longer and go to a baseball game with us.
Blah, blah, more details than you need to know, surely, so I won't continue. Bottom line: last time I ran into him, a couple weeks before Christmas, something was different, and I can't stop thinking about it. A mutual friend invited him to go to the temple Visitor's Center (in DC) right before we all took off for Christmas, and he came - but not after contacting me about it. We, of course, had a great time together. Which naturally makes it that much harder for me to stop thinking about the giant "what if" question.
The real question is how to broach the topic without actually broaching it, and without making myself that completely vulnerable. No one wants to do something they feel forced into doing (he especially, we have had that conversation) - and not that I feel like I would be forcing it, but still. Its always better when its HIS idea. I just need to figure out how to send out the vibe that makes him think along those lines, and not let the "but we have been such good friends for so long that something should have already happened by now" or "she is only interested in me as a friend" lines of thinking take over. I kind of think that we've both thought about it but neither of us wants to be the one to bring it up.
Oh, and to top it all off, as if I hadn't been thinking about this situation (which I fully realize is only really a situation in my head right now), when I woke up this morning, I had a text from him (this is the first communication we've had since before Christmas, so it is kind of out of left field) ... "Happy new year! Are you excited? This is our year of thirty :-)" Hmmmm. Now what?!
- Hoping Virginia Really IS For Lovers
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Dear Shanna loving in Virginia,
On the subject of Love, may I first mention to all the singles out there on a non-related topic, we're approaching Cupid's Window! Cupid's Window, for the uninformed, is that window of time before Valentine's Day that adds its own unique pressures and possibilities. If you continue dating someone or meet and begin dating them from now until usually about a week and a half before Valentine's Day, we have an automatic DTR (Defining The Relationship). If you've had any meaningful and frequent dates within this window, Valentine's Day will tell you where you stand. Like Christmas and birthdays, V-Day takes us to a new level of the symbolism of commitment and it's full of free clues if you keep your eyes open. The way that he or she- especially he, since it's basically a girl's day- ignores or acknowledges Valentine's Day can be a very accurate predictor of the future state of your relationship. We may resent the commercialism of the holiday, we may sulk about it (giving it names like Single's Awareness Day), but we can't escape it in the dating world. Now Shanna, on to your story at hand and how we can lay a man trap before Valentine's Day!
You've provided a good summary and I'm sure you've left out the gushy stuff, but it sounds like you really like him... or could really like him. Most of our discussion will be in the analytical, left-brained camp, but it's helpful to remember to pay attention to those intuitions as well. Studies show that the decisions we make are 80% based on emotion. The 20% logic is generally used to make us feel good through justifying our decision after it's been made. So why this guy? What is it about him that he possesses that is so much more different than the others you have been dating? Have you really sat down and tried to isolate his qualities and what you like about him? We all have that "What if.." voice in our heads. It's a pillar of romanticism. The voice spurs us on to risk the unknown, ever since we were kids in elementary school passing notes to each other with "Do you like me?" 'yes or no' check marks.
Then there are the facts. From what you've described, it appears your previous encounters have only lasted a week or so and they were mostly initiated only because you bumped into each other. Of course you were dating someone else at one point and if he was aware, this could have added to his hesitancy. I would venture that timing may have something to do with it for him as well. There are many stories of happily married couples who knew each other for years without a definite click and over time they saw each other in a different light. Don't give up this lovely possibility. But definitely don't rule out the more probable possibility that this may be a case of "out of sight, out of mind" or convenient exchanges when you're both between relationships. You've had a conversation with him about not wanting to feel forced into doing something. I sense that he expressed a strong opinion or that there is more detail to this conversation. If this is the case, LISTEN to the hidden message. Both men and women use metaphors and generalizations because they DO want to keep options open and most DON'T want to hurt feelings. But if anyone uses heavy words similar to "forced" or "space", there is no clearer message that you need to walk away, and fast! If you're still unsure and don't want to live with regret, here's what you do:
Most guys are not idiots. Give him a once and for all, straight pitch right over the plate while letting him know you are available. As you correctly said, don't verbalize your intentions, but either get him to invite you on a date or you invite him somewhere. If he swings, keep it up until it would be obvious to any MAN, not WOMAN, that you are interested in dating him and then back off and let him take over the majority of the pursuit. We can help you later on that part if you need help clarifying what obvious is to a man:) If he balks after a few honest attempts, talking about it won't put you at any more loss than what you have now. Have a talk, trying to make it as non "business-like" as possible. If you begin dating again, Valentine's will help you clarify his intentions. If this doesn't work, bring up the next batter. I've lived in Virginia and there's plenty willing to play the game! Life is way too short to continue spending resources on someone who is unavailable. He may continue to send you texts, etc. even if he doesn't take the bait, but these will be symptoms of his commitment issues, not of his affection for you.
-DM
This may fall into the category of "how to make the transition from friend to something more," but its a bit more complex than that. I've known this guy for 4 years now, and from day 1, we hit it off - banter back and forth, attraction, etc. - even a few dates (after my friend that introduced us got over the fact that he wasn't interested in her). Then it kind of fizzled - but not in a bad "I can't believe he never called" again way. Truth be told, I didn't really think much of it. Fast forward a few years ... I've dated a bunch of guys in the meantime, and he has too (um, girls, obviously). We are still friends. We see each other at social events once every six months or so, and every time we see each other, we pick up right back where we left off, and things are great. Then we continue to talk for a few weeks after that, and then it stops again. The last time I felt like he was trying to gauge my interest, I was dating someone, so obviously I didn't reciprocate anything. When he found out that I was going to be in San Fran for the 4th of July, and he was too, he made plans to stay a day longer and go to a baseball game with us.
Blah, blah, more details than you need to know, surely, so I won't continue. Bottom line: last time I ran into him, a couple weeks before Christmas, something was different, and I can't stop thinking about it. A mutual friend invited him to go to the temple Visitor's Center (in DC) right before we all took off for Christmas, and he came - but not after contacting me about it. We, of course, had a great time together. Which naturally makes it that much harder for me to stop thinking about the giant "what if" question.
The real question is how to broach the topic without actually broaching it, and without making myself that completely vulnerable. No one wants to do something they feel forced into doing (he especially, we have had that conversation) - and not that I feel like I would be forcing it, but still. Its always better when its HIS idea. I just need to figure out how to send out the vibe that makes him think along those lines, and not let the "but we have been such good friends for so long that something should have already happened by now" or "she is only interested in me as a friend" lines of thinking take over. I kind of think that we've both thought about it but neither of us wants to be the one to bring it up.
Oh, and to top it all off, as if I hadn't been thinking about this situation (which I fully realize is only really a situation in my head right now), when I woke up this morning, I had a text from him (this is the first communication we've had since before Christmas, so it is kind of out of left field) ... "Happy new year! Are you excited? This is our year of thirty :-)" Hmmmm. Now what?!
- Hoping Virginia Really IS For Lovers
**********************************************************
Dear Shanna loving in Virginia,
On the subject of Love, may I first mention to all the singles out there on a non-related topic, we're approaching Cupid's Window! Cupid's Window, for the uninformed, is that window of time before Valentine's Day that adds its own unique pressures and possibilities. If you continue dating someone or meet and begin dating them from now until usually about a week and a half before Valentine's Day, we have an automatic DTR (Defining The Relationship). If you've had any meaningful and frequent dates within this window, Valentine's Day will tell you where you stand. Like Christmas and birthdays, V-Day takes us to a new level of the symbolism of commitment and it's full of free clues if you keep your eyes open. The way that he or she- especially he, since it's basically a girl's day- ignores or acknowledges Valentine's Day can be a very accurate predictor of the future state of your relationship. We may resent the commercialism of the holiday, we may sulk about it (giving it names like Single's Awareness Day), but we can't escape it in the dating world. Now Shanna, on to your story at hand and how we can lay a man trap before Valentine's Day!
You've provided a good summary and I'm sure you've left out the gushy stuff, but it sounds like you really like him... or could really like him. Most of our discussion will be in the analytical, left-brained camp, but it's helpful to remember to pay attention to those intuitions as well. Studies show that the decisions we make are 80% based on emotion. The 20% logic is generally used to make us feel good through justifying our decision after it's been made. So why this guy? What is it about him that he possesses that is so much more different than the others you have been dating? Have you really sat down and tried to isolate his qualities and what you like about him? We all have that "What if.." voice in our heads. It's a pillar of romanticism. The voice spurs us on to risk the unknown, ever since we were kids in elementary school passing notes to each other with "Do you like me?" 'yes or no' check marks.
Then there are the facts. From what you've described, it appears your previous encounters have only lasted a week or so and they were mostly initiated only because you bumped into each other. Of course you were dating someone else at one point and if he was aware, this could have added to his hesitancy. I would venture that timing may have something to do with it for him as well. There are many stories of happily married couples who knew each other for years without a definite click and over time they saw each other in a different light. Don't give up this lovely possibility. But definitely don't rule out the more probable possibility that this may be a case of "out of sight, out of mind" or convenient exchanges when you're both between relationships. You've had a conversation with him about not wanting to feel forced into doing something. I sense that he expressed a strong opinion or that there is more detail to this conversation. If this is the case, LISTEN to the hidden message. Both men and women use metaphors and generalizations because they DO want to keep options open and most DON'T want to hurt feelings. But if anyone uses heavy words similar to "forced" or "space", there is no clearer message that you need to walk away, and fast! If you're still unsure and don't want to live with regret, here's what you do:
Most guys are not idiots. Give him a once and for all, straight pitch right over the plate while letting him know you are available. As you correctly said, don't verbalize your intentions, but either get him to invite you on a date or you invite him somewhere. If he swings, keep it up until it would be obvious to any MAN, not WOMAN, that you are interested in dating him and then back off and let him take over the majority of the pursuit. We can help you later on that part if you need help clarifying what obvious is to a man:) If he balks after a few honest attempts, talking about it won't put you at any more loss than what you have now. Have a talk, trying to make it as non "business-like" as possible. If you begin dating again, Valentine's will help you clarify his intentions. If this doesn't work, bring up the next batter. I've lived in Virginia and there's plenty willing to play the game! Life is way too short to continue spending resources on someone who is unavailable. He may continue to send you texts, etc. even if he doesn't take the bait, but these will be symptoms of his commitment issues, not of his affection for you.
-DM
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