No, seriously... I'm not interested!

Dear Dating Medic,

I need some help on a subject that I think many of us in the dating world have a hard time with. Rejection. I dislike being rejected but can normally deal with it just fine, although I find it quite unpleasant. I have plenty of suitors who seem eager to date me and get to know me. But the majority of the time I don't feel the same and would rather stay home alone than waste time on something that (I believe) will not work out mutually. Some guys I think are great, quality guys and would be pretty cool as friends but could never see them as a romantic interest. I have the hardest time rejecting a man who asks me out because I feel bad and don't want to hurt his feelings. Guys always tell me they want to hear it straight out but sometimes when you give it to them straight, they can't take it and give you crap. I don't think I've ever heard a guy say, "Sorry, it's not going to work out, there's not going to be a second date" (or sometimes not even after the 5th date). I usually just get the "fade out", or they disappear completely and I never hear from them again. Ignoring the person seems the much easier thing to do and is the route I have chosen more often than not. Although, I feel bad about doing that as well. What's a girl to do? What is your perspective on the matter?

~Calluna


Dear Calluna Vulgaris,


I would first like to agree with you that the subject of rejection is one of the most difficult aspects of dating. Rejection in any arena- dating, a job, school work- can be painful to the ego. The scared little child within us can take rejection quite literally, believing that the person dislikes everything about us. Remember when our mother refused to buy us the toy we wanted? Our response was, "Well, you don't love me then." A child sees rejection as more black and white. They either love me or hate me. Our view of rejection as a child was based more on emotion and not much logic. As silly as it might seem as an adult, when we are faced with a potentially fearful situation- like dating- we often revert to a childhood stage as a defense mechanism. We deal with rejection in the same way we did when we were children. It always amuses me to see guys or girls do something like pout in dating. "...So, you can't go out with me because you made plans with your friends? OK ...well, I REALLY hope you have fun then. You just go ahead without me, I'll just have to ask some OTHER girl." Or how about the person that keeps sending us numerous text messages until we respond. Doesn't it sound a lot like the child pounding on the bedroom door calling Mom's name until she gives in to the tantrum?

So how do we deal with the occasional person who doesn't get the hint? Of course you don't want to hurt their feelings. Of course you want to make it as painless as possible, but when is the best time to deal with a cut on your finger? When it first happens and you can put stinging antiseptic on it or after it has become infected and you have to amputate the whole finger? So you're not interested in them romantically and now you have a very persistent person on your hands. Not everyone acts like a child. Some can be quite mature, but they can be obnoxiously determined. Can you really blame them? Doesn't nearly every romance movie teach us that if we stalk someone long enough, they will change their mind and fall in love with us? This is the faulty belief some daters hold and it's this same belief we have to work around to get them to leave us alone. Let's talk about the "fade away". I would venture a guess that about 90% of people are socially intelligent enough to take a clear hint when it is given. If the person they are pursuing shows less and less interest in them, takes longer to respond to phone calls, or doesn't return them at all, they get a clue and abandon ship. The fade away does seem the easiest route. Even though it's not "assertive honesty", it seems to avoid awkwardness if we're dealing with socially adept daters who know the rules of the game. Then we don't have to have the straight forward talk you mentioned, "I won't be accepting any more dates from you, " and so on. But if they don't get the hint?

First, ask yourself if you've been giving any mixed signals. We're talking about first daters, not relationships. So have you said or done anything that might indicate you were contemplating a relationship with him? When it comes to guys and signals, it really IS like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd asks Mary if he has a future with her. "Just hit me with it! What are the chances?" Then she responds "... one in a million."
"So you're saying there's a chance!!"
Guys really will dismiss a mountain of negative signs if they get just one positive sign of hope. It could be she gave him a simple back rub, a moment of intense eye contact and a smile, even a courteous text at the end of the night that she had a good time. Sometimes a girl's gregarious personality and simple kindness to everyone can be misinterpreted as flirting and romantic interest. Don't blame me, it's just how some of us guys think! A girl smiles and we think there's a chance! Be honest, have you held out a carrot for this guy maybe to boost your own self esteem? Even a little interest shown, or have your signals been void of all romantic intent? If you aren't in the wrong, then you need to implement a plan. No one wants to have to be a jerk, walking around like we're no fun or can't be our happy selves. So what do you do? Because the Dating Medic is a guy, I'm going to give you a guy's analogy.

Police work. All cops are taught in the academy about something called the continuum of force. When dealing with a potentially dangerous or problematic subject, police respond with an equally appropriate level of intervention. Example: A man opens his car door after being pulled over and he begins to exit the vehicle. The cop responds with the first level of intervention. He uses verbal commands. He yells authoritatively at the man, "Sir, get back in your vehicle!" The man returns to the car. Problem solved. Let's say the man is intoxicated and approaches the officer in a confused stagger. The man is not heeding the commands and even unarmed, he could still decapacitate the officer and harm him. The officer chooses to push back the offender with his arms or give him a kick to the shins. The cop's next stage of force may be to take out his baton or tazer and deal with the non-compliant subject with a lesser-lethal weapon. At some point an officer may even need to use lethal force by shooting a suspect to eliminate the danger. Do you see where this is going? For politeness sake in dating, it usually makes sense to start from the bottom of the continuum and try the less forceful techniques.

1) Make it clear that you are thankful for the date(s) but you have decided you only want to be friends. Yes, you can use the excuse of being involved with your ex or you're busy at work, etc, but it all depends on who you are dealing with. YES, most guys DO want you to be honest!! Otherwise, if they really like you they will waste a whole lot of time waiting for you until the opportunity is better.

2) The next level of force is simply more clear discussion. No excuses at this stage. The brutal truth. Lay it on the line. You shouldn't need to give any explanation and it's usually better not to. Any logical reason you give, might give him the idea that he can use "reason" to get you to like him. Use your friends to get the word back to him that you only see him as a buddy. That way he has more witnesses that you mean what you say. Try to set him up with someone else. It may show you still care, but you definitely don't want to date him.

3) We hardly ever get to this level because only the most determined stay in this long. Here's where you may feel you are getting pretty mean. But remember, he is not respecting your clear wishes and he may be beginning to concern you. You have every right to not be harassed. In this stage and perhaps in the previous one, there should be no returning of phone calls and definitely no initiating them. You have said your peace. If he calls ten times and you answer on the eleventh call, all he's learned is that it takes eleven calls before you'll answer. If you give a stray dog a scrap of food, he'll be at your door every night. I've read books that say you should act just the opposite of what you would expect and you should be overly clingy and flirtatious. I've never seen this work out honestly. I can only picture in my mind that it would take a lot of energy and you may just end up trapped because he liked it! You can however start to act obnoxious. Talk frequently about how you can't stand children and happy people, snort while laughing, talk a lot about your female cramps and issues, belch if you have to.

4) The final stage. Let's hope it would never come to this. Formal intervention. Put them on notice that they are not to contact you again. You can decide the consequences if they do, but whatever you do, don't bluff. If you say you will call the police, then really call the police. Fake a new relationship if you don't have one. Seeing you taken may give him closure. If he becomes angry, speak calmly and walk away from him like you would a rabid dog. He'll soon latch on to someone else. Sad but true.

In finishing this analogy, it's also good to remember that a guy or girl may become upset and try to make you feel like you wronged them by leading them on. You said they sometimes "give you crap" when you tell them straight and they can't take it. If you have been partly responsible, own up to your part. If you really aren't at fault, resist the urge to vigorously defend your actions. It isn't necessary. If they understand your wishes, you get what you want by them leaving you alone. A good policemen knows that when a person's pride is hurt by him exercising his authority over them, then it's important to strive to leave the person with some respect. If they have to blame you so they feel they have some sense of power left...so be it. -DM