Dear Dating Medic:
The older I have gotten the more shy I am becoming around men. Any tips on opening up and how to flirt? What works and gets a man's attention?
Flirtless
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Dear Flirtless,
As both women and men become older, often their styles of dating and enthusiasm to engage in such activity evolves. In the case of women, we have two polar extremes. Where you want to be is the middle. An older dating woman who is very poised and proper, but has lost the enthusiasm and drive to meet new people, acquires what we call "Old Maid Syndrome". On the other hand, an older woman who has an ample supply of drive, but no poise or properness, is affectionately referred to as a "Cougar". While the Old Maid stays at home to knit the newest pair of socks while watching her Tivo'd collection of Grey's Anatomy and reality shows, the Cougar is out in the clubs and parties flaunting her womanhood with overflowing spunk and rather obnoxious innuendo laden conversation, generally aimed at anyone who will reciprocate. It isn't difficult to see that either extreme can be detrimental to a woman who seeks a meaningful and lasting relationship. So you ask, what does this have to do with me? First, I would venture that you are not as old as you may feel. The fact that you recognize a pattern you want to break is evidence that you are far from the extremes and you are already somewhere in the middle. On to flirting! Step number 1: Avoid the pitfall of the Old Maid and force yourself to get out of the house to places where the men are. This may mean doing some things that get you out of your comfort zone, but at the same time keep going to those places where you feel most yourself. Step 2: Learn to be playfully inquisitive, even to the point of sounding like a child at times. Flirting is basically getting in touch with your inner child. Sometimes this means playing dumb! Guys love to feel expert at things and giving them the chance to explain even simple things you already know makes them feel important and confident around you. Do you see where this is headed? Making them feel confident leads to increased attraction towards you. Step 3: Smile! It's been said a thousand times and it's still true. Smiling makes a woman's eyes sparkle and instantly it lowers a man's hesitancy to approach and talk to you. Even far too many supermodels don't date as much as you would expect because men are intimidated by their unapproachableness. Step 4: Develop your seduction game. Here we can take a lesson from the Cougar without overdoing it. A common problem is that as some women age they enhance other qualities such as humor or intellect, which is great, but they forget the power of a sideways glance, a touch on the knee, a surprising running of your hand through his hair, or even a graceful walk. What gets a man's attention varies greatly from man to man so the best advice is to be your self times 10. Step 5: Find a group of girlfriends who are active in the social scene, hang out with them, and learn lessons from those who are having success. Girls are pros at providing support and passing on their success stories. Isn't that why they do their Friday Girl's Night out when they go to eat sushi? Meeting guys when you are with your girls can help increase your own confidence because the team is there to back you up and be the wing-women. Confidence in yourself should be assumed, not tested. What I mean is, as arrogant as it might seem, assume that everyone who first meets you will love you. Don't go looking for failed encounters with men to prove the opposite. If they don't like you, so what? You're not everyone's cup of tea and you're only looking for one, right?
-DM
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Eternal BFF
Dear Dating Medic,
I have always had the problem of going from ex or interest to Best Pals. But, how do make my best pal into something more?
Signed,
Eternal BFF
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Dear Eternal BFF,
This is a puzzle and challenge as old as time. How do I make my friend-girl or friend-boy into my girlfriend or boyfriend? Should you be satisfied with eating just pepperoni when you might be able to make a whole pizza? You may risk losing a great friendship or at least straining it with awkwardness, like the time my cousin told me she thought I was hot. I digress. Studies have shown that people tend to regret more the opportunities they never took rather than the ones they tried and still failed. So, after deciding this is what you want to do, the main goal here is to get the best pal to see you in a different light. Step up the flirting! We have to increase the sexual tension in the room to see if there's any chemistry. If they reciprocate, or at least entertain the idea, this is a good sign. Instead of "hang-outs", invite them on clearly obvious dates planned ahead of time. Be more particular in how you dress, send out the vibe of "Wow! Where did you come from?!" Don't be fooled to think a little intimacy means they've taken the bait. It's fairly common for best pals to occasionally cuddle or even have tried kissing. Although nearly anyone wants that level of comfortable friendship in a dating relationship as well, we're looking for a definite biological bang that is missing from the "just buddies" status. In this case, good old forthrightness about your feelings at the beginning stage of your new plan is not recommended. Turning over the play book to a long time buddy is not usually as effective as laying the groundwork and making them think they came up with the idea themself. Finally, although it seems a bit high-schoolish, doing some recon through acquaintainces can greatly help. If they aren't appreciating the new you, they may tell your common friends before they would risk hurting your feelings.
-DM
I have always had the problem of going from ex or interest to Best Pals. But, how do make my best pal into something more?
Signed,
Eternal BFF
**********************************************************
Dear Eternal BFF,
This is a puzzle and challenge as old as time. How do I make my friend-girl or friend-boy into my girlfriend or boyfriend? Should you be satisfied with eating just pepperoni when you might be able to make a whole pizza? You may risk losing a great friendship or at least straining it with awkwardness, like the time my cousin told me she thought I was hot. I digress. Studies have shown that people tend to regret more the opportunities they never took rather than the ones they tried and still failed. So, after deciding this is what you want to do, the main goal here is to get the best pal to see you in a different light. Step up the flirting! We have to increase the sexual tension in the room to see if there's any chemistry. If they reciprocate, or at least entertain the idea, this is a good sign. Instead of "hang-outs", invite them on clearly obvious dates planned ahead of time. Be more particular in how you dress, send out the vibe of "Wow! Where did you come from?!" Don't be fooled to think a little intimacy means they've taken the bait. It's fairly common for best pals to occasionally cuddle or even have tried kissing. Although nearly anyone wants that level of comfortable friendship in a dating relationship as well, we're looking for a definite biological bang that is missing from the "just buddies" status. In this case, good old forthrightness about your feelings at the beginning stage of your new plan is not recommended. Turning over the play book to a long time buddy is not usually as effective as laying the groundwork and making them think they came up with the idea themself. Finally, although it seems a bit high-schoolish, doing some recon through acquaintainces can greatly help. If they aren't appreciating the new you, they may tell your common friends before they would risk hurting your feelings.
-DM
Monday, December 22, 2008
Dating Theory
Here's an analogy on dating I created when I wore a younger man's clothes:
Dating is like playing musical chairs. The music stops and the game is over. The object of the game is to have a chair when the music stops. If you're left without a chair, you get kicked out and have to wait hoping they'll play another game. Things could go smoothly, but usually they don't. Some people sit down quickly, on top of someone else who was already there or they sit on just half of the chair while trying to force out another participant. The same conflict can occur when they try to sit on two chairs at once. Some people sit down way too early, even before the music stops playing. Others find a comfortable chair and linger too long after the music start again when they know they should leave but don't. A common trick is to act as if you were ready to sit down fast and then don't- thereby faking others into sitting. And then, there are those who cautiously wait until the chair they really want in front of them is empty and only then do they happily let go of the chair they are holding on to with their other hand. People get hurt in this game. Some trip over chairs or even themselves due to their haste. Some take back their chairs to the circle when they realize they're not as comfortable as they were when they first sat in them. Some fall flat on their backs, as you do- when you realize the chair you wanted was moved and was no longer behind you when finally committed to sitting down. As time goes on, round after round, something interesting happens. The number of chairs diminishes and it becomes harder and harder to win. Because of this, there are those who become discouraged, refuse to play such games at all, and decide to watch from the corner of the room. If they don’t like the music, there's usually a game going on somewhere that has their style. If they don't like the chairs, there's probably somewhere they can go where they have recliners, rocking chairs, office chairs, or whatever their taste. One fact remains constant: If you want a chair, you have to join in on the game. All in all it's a game, a very important and often serious game. Learn to win it and then you go on to the next room... the game of marriage and children.
Dating is like playing musical chairs. The music stops and the game is over. The object of the game is to have a chair when the music stops. If you're left without a chair, you get kicked out and have to wait hoping they'll play another game. Things could go smoothly, but usually they don't. Some people sit down quickly, on top of someone else who was already there or they sit on just half of the chair while trying to force out another participant. The same conflict can occur when they try to sit on two chairs at once. Some people sit down way too early, even before the music stops playing. Others find a comfortable chair and linger too long after the music start again when they know they should leave but don't. A common trick is to act as if you were ready to sit down fast and then don't- thereby faking others into sitting. And then, there are those who cautiously wait until the chair they really want in front of them is empty and only then do they happily let go of the chair they are holding on to with their other hand. People get hurt in this game. Some trip over chairs or even themselves due to their haste. Some take back their chairs to the circle when they realize they're not as comfortable as they were when they first sat in them. Some fall flat on their backs, as you do- when you realize the chair you wanted was moved and was no longer behind you when finally committed to sitting down. As time goes on, round after round, something interesting happens. The number of chairs diminishes and it becomes harder and harder to win. Because of this, there are those who become discouraged, refuse to play such games at all, and decide to watch from the corner of the room. If they don’t like the music, there's usually a game going on somewhere that has their style. If they don't like the chairs, there's probably somewhere they can go where they have recliners, rocking chairs, office chairs, or whatever their taste. One fact remains constant: If you want a chair, you have to join in on the game. All in all it's a game, a very important and often serious game. Learn to win it and then you go on to the next room... the game of marriage and children.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
About This Site
Dating is one of the most difficult, wonderful, confusing, mysterious, and rewarding practices devised by mankind. Through the years of my own personal devastating heartaches and successes, I began a quest to understand as best I could the science of dating. Although not a professional counselor or therapist by any means, I utilized my bachelor's degree in Sociology and Abnormal Psychology to work as a licensed social worker for several years. Many problems evidenced in dating, have their beginning in childhood. Ranging from mild attachment insecurities to full scale child abuse- which I investigated- the effects almost always manifest themselves- at least a little- in adulthood.
Not always typical for a guy, I enjoy reading books about relationships and communication. It seems that the world of advice columns and dating tips suffers from a lack of the male perspective. Somehow I was thrust into the role of changing the status quo. It started with late night phone calls from my sisters, and then their friends, and then even my ex-girlfriends turned buddies. I now accept guy's questions too, although as they are guys, they don't ask as often:) If I'm any good at what I do, who knows, maybe we could have a regularly syndicated column! Keep the questions to one or two and understand that a true analysis takes a lot of time when the history of the relationship has been months or years.
The advice is free, applying it is not. That's up to you and the honest, hard work and effort you will invest in your relationship.
Ask away!
Not always typical for a guy, I enjoy reading books about relationships and communication. It seems that the world of advice columns and dating tips suffers from a lack of the male perspective. Somehow I was thrust into the role of changing the status quo. It started with late night phone calls from my sisters, and then their friends, and then even my ex-girlfriends turned buddies. I now accept guy's questions too, although as they are guys, they don't ask as often:) If I'm any good at what I do, who knows, maybe we could have a regularly syndicated column! Keep the questions to one or two and understand that a true analysis takes a lot of time when the history of the relationship has been months or years.
The advice is free, applying it is not. That's up to you and the honest, hard work and effort you will invest in your relationship.
Ask away!
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