Flirtless

Dear Dating Medic:

The older I have gotten the more shy I am becoming around men. Any tips on opening up and how to flirt? What works and gets a man's attention?

Flirtless

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Dear Flirtless,
As both women and men become older, often their styles of dating and enthusiasm to engage in such activity evolves. In the case of women, we have two polar extremes. Where you want to be is the middle. An older dating woman who is very poised and proper, but has lost the enthusiasm and drive to meet new people, acquires what we call "Old Maid Syndrome". On the other hand, an older woman who has an ample supply of drive, but no poise or properness, is affectionately referred to as a "Cougar". While the Old Maid stays at home to knit the newest pair of socks while watching her Tivo'd collection of Grey's Anatomy and reality shows, the Cougar is out in the clubs and parties flaunting her womanhood with overflowing spunk and rather obnoxious innuendo laden conversation, generally aimed at anyone who will reciprocate. It isn't difficult to see that either extreme can be detrimental to a woman who seeks a meaningful and lasting relationship. So you ask, what does this have to do with me? First, I would venture that you are not as old as you may feel. The fact that you recognize a pattern you want to break is evidence that you are far from the extremes and you are already somewhere in the middle. On to flirting! Step number 1: Avoid the pitfall of the Old Maid and force yourself to get out of the house to places where the men are. This may mean doing some things that get you out of your comfort zone, but at the same time keep going to those places where you feel most yourself. Step 2: Learn to be playfully inquisitive, even to the point of sounding like a child at times. Flirting is basically getting in touch with your inner child. Sometimes this means playing dumb! Guys love to feel expert at things and giving them the chance to explain even simple things you already know makes them feel important and confident around you. Do you see where this is headed? Making them feel confident leads to increased attraction towards you. Step 3: Smile! It's been said a thousand times and it's still true. Smiling makes a woman's eyes sparkle and instantly it lowers a man's hesitancy to approach and talk to you. Even far too many supermodels don't date as much as you would expect because men are intimidated by their unapproachableness. Step 4: Develop your seduction game. Here we can take a lesson from the Cougar without overdoing it. A common problem is that as some women age they enhance other qualities such as humor or intellect, which is great, but they forget the power of a sideways glance, a touch on the knee, a surprising running of your hand through his hair, or even a graceful walk. What gets a man's attention varies greatly from man to man so the best advice is to be your self times 10. Step 5: Find a group of girlfriends who are active in the social scene, hang out with them, and learn lessons from those who are having success. Girls are pros at providing support and passing on their success stories. Isn't that why they do their Friday Girl's Night out when they go to eat sushi? Meeting guys when you are with your girls can help increase your own confidence because the team is there to back you up and be the wing-women. Confidence in yourself should be assumed, not tested. What I mean is, as arrogant as it might seem, assume that everyone who first meets you will love you. Don't go looking for failed encounters with men to prove the opposite. If they don't like you, so what? You're not everyone's cup of tea and you're only looking for one, right?
-DM