What's the deal with this thing called romance?

I liked my Sociology 101 class in college. When the weather got warm in the Spring, the girls started wearing their summer clothes and the campus suddenly became a less tiresome place to spend my time. There was a cute girl in class that kept me distracted, but despite my gazing, I always seemed to absorb most of what was taught in the lectures. One of my favorite chapters that semester was about the history of relationships between men and women. We learned about the progression of society from the hunter and gatherer culture to the modern day urbanites. The roles that men and women play in the family unit have changed over time. We were taught that men traditionally were the hunters of food and protectors of women and children who were more vulnerable to dangers posed by things like enemy tribes and other brutish men. In exchange, the women provided a service of assisting in food preparation and raising children. As society advanced, we know of course that people started farming and building cities, then trading with money, etc., etc. In the 1950’s, we reached the apex of what is termed the traditional marriage relationship described as the “breadwinner/ homemaker model”. Basically, the man worked outside the home and the woman stayed home to care for the children and maintain the domestic necessities. This seemed to work quite well, but it was very different from mankind's beginnings in tribal life. People were now living in secure houses, in organized cities. Everyday life was safer. Women no longer had the same pressing need for protection from their men. Men also had less of a need for women to do things such as educate their children because they now had public schools to relieve some of the burden. In the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, women flooded into the workforce and attained higher levels of education. This made them more valuable to the economy, but in turn, it changed the role of the man as sole provider to the family. So…where am I going with all of this? Well, simply put… over time men and women have come to need each other less for basic survival. Most scholars agree that for the majority of human existence, relationships consisted of a very different type of agreement than we are familiar with today. The sexes joined in partnerships that fulfilled important necessities in a complimentary manner. Concepts such as arranged marriages worked to serve this purpose quite well. Being really physically attracted to your spouse was a bonus, but not the main goal. Once men and women had the ability to provide for their own necessities, marriage was no longer such a business-type deal. People then had to come up with some other reason to look for each other and stay together. “WHOA!” you say? Now, I’m not saying that love is a new concept. Yet, sociologists argue that what we understand as “romantic love”, or the degree to which romantic love is important in a relationship, is a new concept. Most agree that this focus on romance as the main impetus behind committed relationships has only been around for about 200 years. Of course you can always find journals and writings to prove that romance indeed existed through all ages of time, but it was never as important as it is today.

So back to springtime on my campus. I’m sitting there in class wondering why I wasn’t born in the day of the cavemen. I wouldn’t have to go through all of this strategizing, primping, chivalry, and small-talk about things I don’t care about just to prove that I’m cool enough to date. I could just sneak up behind the brunette girl with the long legs, hit her on the head with a stick, and carry her off in a sack. She would soon forgive me because she would be happy that she was chosen over her friends. She would be relieved that she had a man to protect her and I would be happy I had someone to cook my meals and bear me children. Oh, if only… But instead, I never gather the courage to ask her out and I invent reasons in my head why she wasn’t worth asking out in the first place. Isn’t there some sort of compromise between these two worlds; a middle ground between the good old days of the utility spouse and the present day romance novel lover?

It’s widely believed that divorce trends are closely associated to the relationship dynamics explained in our history lesson. Relationships that are hyper-romanced tend not to be based in reality. They tend to be more self-serving instead of serving. The goal used to be, “I can feel fulfilled by succeeding in my role within the symbiotic relationship with my partner; which is necessary for the success of my family and society.” Now the goal turns more to, “I can feel fulfilled when my physical, emotional, material, and intellectual desires are satisfied by what my partner has to offer.” I know it sounds extreme. I would hope every decent person would make an effort to satisfy those same desires in their partner, but for too many it becomes a cost/benefit analysis. Why do we hear stories about the spouse who “fell out of love” and found a new lover because their partner had become physically unattractive to them, emotionally distant, or boring? Isn’t the thought scary that we can just be traded in for something better if we don’t fulfill all of our partner’s expectations? Maybe in the olden days there was never such a high expectation placed on the relationship in the first place; i.e. believing that its primary purpose was to fulfill all of our romantic desires. We talk about the spark disappearing in the relationship like that little “spark” was the only thing keeping us warm the whole time and that without it we would freeze in the cold night air. If you’re in a marriage that is free of abuse and infidelity and each partner if fulfilling their primary duties, I would argue that you have a very good thing going for you. There’s a whole bonfire of wood fueling your relationship! Maybe back in the day, more effort was made to keep a marriage intact because of what it meant to the success of the family and society. I apologize that now I feel Mother Teresa channeling through me, but maybe we have forgotten that what is given away is never lost. I’m asking for a paradigm shift. Let’s look at relationships and marriage like the service project that keeps giving back. Start asking yourself how you can be the partner that will play their instrument the best they can in the grand orchestra. An orchestra that has potential for creating exquisite music. We can learn a good deal about being romantic and being so is usually a good thing, but let’s not let the good things of life rob us of the best things. Don’t hate on me. It’s just history.

Anonymous Reader

Comment from an Anonymous Reader:

As I sat here reading this, I thought of all the times I smothered the person I was dating as I realized I was losing control in the relationship. I never did a crazy act or behavior toward them, but I gave them 10X more love than I would have given them before in attempts to hold on to them or get them to love me more. This is a sure way to drive someone away. Even though I didn't harm them or their property, or even stalk them, I believe this is another form of psychotic behavior. It's that uncontrolable action taken as we fear that we are losing our power. As I've matured in dating and relationships, I've realized that love is an addiction (like you said) and like all addictions, we must have self-control to control our appetites or desires. I've also gained a better understanding of a persons right to choose and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. If that person chooses to draw away from you, than you have no choice but to give them that freedom. It takes a lot of strength and will-power, but like every other addiction, we can overcome it.

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Dear Anonymous Reader,

One of my favorite quotes about love comes from the book I previously mentioned, When Love Meets Fear. It says the perfect relationship is one where "two liberties meet, embrace, salute, and protect each other. It's not throwing one's liberty away; it is cherishing yours and someone else's." I like what you said about having self control to not smother the other person and that you cannot control anyone but yourself. In today's society, we are inculcated to believe that real love is the type where we are consumed. Love songs and movies teach us that when someone is in love, they can't live without the other person. They teach us that if we arrange some big production like racing to the airport to stop someone's from leaving, announce our love on the Jumbo Tron in a sports stadium, or get a whole crowd or airplane filled with people (Wedding Singer) to assist us, we can win someone back someone's love. We expect that if someone is not at the same place as us, they only need to be convinced of our dedication and they will change their mind. This simply isn't reality. It's an attempt to control or at least manipulate another's actions. Our behavior is fear based and seeks to avoid our own personal loss instead of love based which seeks first the happiness of the other person. Now deep down we may believe that we are the ones that can provide their best happiness and there's nothing wrong with that desire, but in this battle we become our own worst enemies. Infactuation/lust is clingy. Love can let go. It's one of the toughest lessons to learn, but if we state our feelings clearly so that our intentions are clear, we should be able to sit still with that faith that if they are the one for us... they will come back and it will all work out. But if not, then we have that faith there is someone better suited and ready for us.
-DM

Love Drove Me to Insanity

How is it that love can transform a reasonable man or woman into a raving lunatic? I recently spoke with a good friend of mine who told me how he is almost done paying off his $8,000 criminal fine for something that happened with his ex-fiance. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a nicer, more easy going, stable, romantic guy... so I of course had to know what happened. We'll call him Joe. Joe had suspected something was amiss with his fiance. They had their disagreements and problems to work through like every couple and it seemed the relationship was getting worse than better, but a commitment to each other was still intact. Enter the competitor. Joe knew his fiance was getting buddy-buddy with a new guy and that's when the stomach acid production kicked up. I'm assuming this is the part where the phone calls started getting more scarce, texts took all day for her to respond to, she suddenly became more busy. Following Exchange Theory law, the person with least interest in the relationship has the most power. The incredible part is what we learn about ourselves when we feel the ground disappearing beneath us. How can a reasonable, logical, placid individual be driven to a moment of complete insanity so uncharacteristic of himself? I know you're dying to know what happened, so I'll tell you. Apparently, Joe's apartment front door faces the front door of his fiance. Joe recognized the vehicle of the man who had replaced him, parked in front of her place. He also watched the front door like a hawk and at 3:00am it became apparent that this man was going to stay overnight. Feeling his world coming crashing down, Joe decided he must take action. Not wanting a personal confrontation with the man, but wanting the man and his fiance to learn a lesson, Joe began by slashing the man's vehicle tires with a knife. This didn't leave him satisfied, so he found some caustic paint remover and applied it to the sides and hood of the car. Needing some aggression release, he topped it off by repeatedly throwing a cinder block on top of the hood and windshield. Having felt he did what he had to, he went to sleep. The next morning his fiance and the man called him on the phone, accusing him of the crime. Joe denied he knew anything about it until he was confronted by the police who told him he was caught on video. Although Joe feels remorse, he jokingly says he would do it again if he had the chance because the guy will think twice the next time. Now to some of us, the possibility of facing criminal Class A Misdemeanor charges would be enough deterrent. There was a much simpler way at getting back at them. The private school where his fiance was enrolled forbids overnight visits by the opposite sex within school housing. Joe could have reported this fact to the school authorities and both his fiance and her new love interest would have been expelled from college. Why did he resort to criminal activity?

Haven't we all at least felt like Joe at least one time in our dating careers? If you've been around the block a few times, you come to realize that Anyone is capable of Anything. The difference between being in control and slipping off the edge in a moment of complete insanity is closer than we realize. It's not uncommon for lovers who are losing ground to go out of their way at odd hours of the night to do a drive-by to see who's parked in front of their mate's house. I'm sure if you haven't tried this one, you've thought about it: sneaking into their cell phone to check texts and recent calls. I've even been guilty of tracking down a girlfriend through a reverse search of a telephone number she once called me from. I found an address and her car parked there- all night long. I felt the same accelerating heart beat as I drove closer, refusing to believe it was her car. I know the same gut check, like a pro boxer just socked you in the stomach. Unlike Joe, I didn't trash her car, but I did leave a strongly worded note. Even during the fact, it can seem crazy to us that we may have someone followed or do something like record phone conversations. Statistically, if you go to such measures to verify if you're being cheated on, your intuition is most likely correct. That's a topic for another day... But when we're faced with the truth, why don't we just accept it and move on quickly? Why do we dive into the moment, subjecting ourselves to unspeakable pain when we know it's over? The answer to this one is composed of two factors: 1) Fear 2) Brain chemistry

1) Fear overcomes us when we lose our power. Any control that we perceive fear has over us, comes directly from our belief that we have no alternative. Joe felt that he had no alternative. As illogical as it might sound now, he felt that he couldn't ignore such a betrayal happening before his eyes. He also felt the fear of a physical confrontation because the guy was bigger than he was. He also didn't want to wait until morning for the slow administrative process of getting the two in trouble with the school. His emotions were real, painfully acute, presently happening, and he presently needed to remedy them. He felt he had no alternative and he succumbed to the fear of losing his power. Only in retrospect does he realize that he lost his power anyways. Now he has a criminal record and has to pay for the vehicle damages. No one can take away your power. We either keep it, give it away, or try to use to to control.

2) Brain chemistry creates an actual physical addiction. We've all heard of the differences between healthy compassionate love and lust/infatuation. A Time Magazine article states that lust is fueled by testosterone. Compassionate love involves the neurotransmitters vasopressin and oxytocin. In a more romantic type love, there is a higher degree of passion. This passion engages the same dopamine system that is utilized in obsessive drives like drug and gambling addictions. Now this usually is a good thing. Being "Addicted to Love" like many love ballads proclaim, is real and it's generally beneficial to some degree. It's part of the glue that keeps us coming back to the person to work things out after an argument. It's part of a healthy heartache when we miss someone. Our minds set up actual, physical, neurological pathways dedicated to that person. Imagine a network of fiber optic cables running through your brain, all assigned solely for your thoughts and actions involving your lover. Now imagine how anchored some of these pathways can be fixed in your brain after a lengthy or intense relationship. Research proves that dismantling this bond can be as difficult as quitting a heroine addiction! We literally crave the other person like a drug. The fear of losing the ability to satisfy our dopamine urges, can influence us to do crazy things just like any drug addict.

Combine the fear of losing power with our dopamine addiction, and it's a wonder we don't tread on the pathway of insanity more often. But of course, we can train ourselves to manage both. A good place to start is reading up on the subject. I would suggest reading a book like When Love Meets Fear by David Richo. It's a little out there in the holistic, healing side at times, but it offers excellent advice. We can also give ourselves more options before we are presented with such a fear evoking scenario. As humorous as it might sound, while we are in a sane state of mind we can imagine painful scenarios and then the terrible possible consequences if we chose to respond out of control. Then we will already have healthy alternatives and coping strategies in place if the painful event does happen. Usually problems such as cheating are preceded by a long list of suspicions. The time to prepare for the worst is not when the storm finally hits. Instead, we should begin to manage our emotions when we feel the winds start to change.