Almost Fiance

The following is a response to a woman who wished to remain anonymous. It was answered less formaly than most of my postings since it was not originally intended to be posted. However, her question deals with a man who changed his mind about marrying her after she moved to where he lives and others may benefit from her story:

**********************************************************

Dear Almost Fiance,

When someone (guy or girl) tells you that it's "just too much" or if they use any words similar to "pressure", "forced", or "space", "not enough time or room in their life", I want you to picture your heart in the their hands as they squeeze tighter and tighter, trying to make their point. Then I want you to picture them arresting the beating of your heart. As gruesome as it seems, you need this image in your mind at this time! There is no clearer way that many people with commitment issues can tell you that they are unavailable. The fact is, they may care for you deeply, but they care more their own self-preservation interests if they continue to hold you on the line, knowing how you feel about them. People who have commitment issues have just as hard of a time saying "No" as they do saying "Yes". Of course it may be true, of course he may believe it, but it is INAPPROPRIATE for him to continue telling you that you are beautiful and to initiate contact with you if you have made it obvious that you are still in love and that it hurts you. When you get to the point of marriage, as I had, going back to just friends so quickly would not only be weird, it would signify that the relationship probably wasn't what you thought it was when it was good. I too moved states for someone I was going to marry. I know how it hurts, I know how you can feel a million emotions at once. Although he probably tried to make it work longer than mine did (she gave it one hour when I moved here), your moving is what put it to the test. You see, when you lived in different places it was safe. He was free to say and do things as he pleased because he was far from being actually faced with responsibility, and commitment of marriage. This doesn’t mean that he wasn’t being sincere before. He may have actually believed it for the most part himself, but if had had felt these inklings before he may not have said anything to you because he was hoping it would go away or maybe he never really thought you would move out there. When my girlfriend told me she wanted me to move to where she was so we could get ready for marriage, she actually told me when I arrived, “I guess I never really thought you would come.” So… take note and be aware when people are not equally invested as you are because they may do things that don’t fairly take into account your vulnerability. You lived without regret! How admirable and amazing! There is no other way to live fully and you should feel peace knowing that you did everything you possibly could do.

Now comes the hard part. If you haven’t done it, you have to tell him how you still feel about him and how it hurts you to stay in contact if he cannot commit to you in a relationship. You’ve come too far now to play coy and beat around the bush about your intentions. You almost got married so complete honesty is the only way. If getting back together doesn’t work, and it honestly sounds like this is not plausible, you have to do what your family and friends have been trying to tell you. Cut it off clean and fast like a mangled limb! No contact, no texts, no emails, no bumping it to each other. You have to start thinking in the left side of the brain! Logic. Self-preservation mode. It sucks! I know, but why do so many people tell you this is how is has to be. Namely because you can’t control people. Even if he is really busy with school and work or his mom doesn’t like you, none of that matters! He is his own person and if he was 1) Ready for the marriage commitment and 2) Wanting to make that commitment with YOU specifically; then he will put in the effort to make it happen. It’s that simple! Would you want anybody who would do any less? I’m not going to go into the details of the physiology of the brain, but long and/or meaningful relationships create intricate neuron pathways that are dedicated specifically for that person or subject. Just the same as practicing the piano increases your skill through habit, you have to dismantle those damaging habit pathways of a failed relationship and reassign the neurons for other behaviors and thoughts. I read some research that stated breaking up can be as hard as overcoming a cocaine or heroine addiction! We all know what it’s like to see a similar car that our ex drove or to see someone that looks like them from behind and your hair stands on end and a rush or emotion follows. It’s because of those real and physical pathways in our brain that make those associations to the powerful emotions we felt. The easiest way to control our sanity is to dismantle the associations by removing the source. If you maintain any hope that he may come to his senses one day, I want you to put it in a little bottle and throw it as far away from you as you can. IF that ever happens that he returns ready for marriage, it will NOT be because of any further efforts you make to save the relationship at this point. I can guarantee that any more you do, will only push him further and any more contact you allow as “friends” will only enable him to drive you to a worse condition when you are not able to be just friends. You really have no other option.

Lastly, let’s talk about your self-esteem. Boys do like you. Boys do want to go out with you. Do you know how many billions of people are in this world? Do you know how many millions would love the opportunity to go out with you and treat you how you would like to be treated? Don’t worry about not feeling so great about dating at this time. That’s completely normal. You don’t have to feel despair, but you can say this really sucks right now and I don’t like it. It’s OK to feel lonely. It’s OK to feel not your best right now. Why? Because allowing yourself to grieve without turning to quick fixes or crutches will allow your body’s emotional auto-immune system to kick in. Even if you did nothing, it would fix itself. To help yourself along the way, yes, do try to get out. Read some good books. I suggest “He’s Scared, She’s Scared: How to End Sabotaging Relationships”. Just remember and BELIEVE. It will get better. You WILL be in love again.
-DM