Letting the Wound Heal

Dear Dating Medic,

I've recently split with my partner of 3 years who I lived with for 2 of those years. It was my decision in the end but a decision I think he had wanted me to make for over a year as he was too cowardly to end things himself.I put up with many lies, no proper affection, having to force him to spend time with me etc for a very long time and I KNOW I've made the right decision and that he would never have ended it himself as he stays in relationships because he cannot be alone. I've also learned that he's started seeing someone not even a month after we split - we hadn't even finalised the joint account, bills and lease on the house etc when he started seeing her.I've just finished reading 'It's called a Breakup because it's broken' and have started 'Hes just not that into you' Both of which are screaming at me that I've soooo definitely made the right decision. I'm booking my diary up with events with friends, holidays away etc but am steering clear of the dating world altogether at the moment.Thing is - I know I'm doing everything right but it's been 3 months now and I still feel as though we split up yesterday. I just can't seem to get myself together - and I desperately want to. I've stopped talking to my friends about it and am keeping in me and my journal now as I don't want to bore or alienate my mates.What advise - if any - can you give me? I desperately want to get through this and feel whole again, but whole on my own and not jumping into another relationship! Right now I just really feel as though this scar is here to stay.

- Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,


One of my favorite U2 lyrics is from the song "Sweetest Thing". It says, "You can sew it up, but you still see the tear." How true that is. As children we are taught many things about pain and about replacing loses in our lives. Sometimes we teach things to children that aren't completely true, maybe because we're desperate to take away their hurt. One of these misconceptions is that time heals all wounds. As adults, when time doesn't completely heal the wound, we feel there is something wrong with us. Another misconception is that everything lost can be replaced. We see this lesson taught at the passing of a loved pet. The parent often tells the child, "I'm sorry honey, he's in a happy place now. If you want, we can go down to the pet store tomorrow and buy a new one." As we grow older and wiser, we come to find that we don't know as much about pain as we thought we did.

1st lesson- Time can help many painful memories fade, but there are some loses that we may never completely get over. It's also OK and normal if this happens. Walt Disney for example, an amazing leader and dream maker, blamed himself for his mother's death because she died from a natural gas leak in the home he bought for her. Of course he couldn't have been responsible for what happened, but for the rest of his life he forbade anyone to speak about it. He was still an overwhelmingly optimistic and emotinally adjusted person in most other respects. Accept the fact that it's normal to take awhile to heal. Especially in a long romantic relationship because of the incredibly strong physical bonds which involve hormones and neurotransmitters. The brain has some major reconstruction to do in order to dismantle neuropathways dedicated to that person. This is part of grieving. In fact, the longer you put off completely working through grief, the longer it will take.

2nd lesson- People can't be replaced and neither should we try to replace them. Every relationship will be different. Starting a new one just to fill the space will result in discontent and often remorse. There is no shortcut to avioding the grief cycle. One day you will be able to give of your energy, love, and devotion to a new person. However, this new person will have different positive qualities that the former person didn't and they will also have undesireable qualites you will have to learn to live with. Part of finding happiness is that we must learn to accept change.

It sounds as if you've already done most of the groundwork in recovering from this guy. Three years is a long time to be dating someone. When we lose a partner, we also lose part of our dreams and future plans which included them. We often don't realize that much of the grieving is for our uncertain future. You're wise to not jump into a new relationship. A quick fix almost always results in cognitive dissonance. This is a psychological condition in which our beliefs do not match up with our actions, producing anxiety in our psyche. Our thought is, "If I really did love my recent partner, why am I moving on so quickly and trying to forget them?" We then try and convince ourself that we didn't love them as much as we thought- which really is not the case- so anxiety and guilt ensues. Only you will know when you are ready to venture into a new relationship.

Your efforts in journal writing are a good idea. Because emotions can be so transient and nebulous, writing them down gives them the respect they deserve. If you have any future doubt as to why you brokeup, a journal can remind you. Here's a few other things you can do to get through the pain:

1) Unify your mind. History is repleat with stories of countries divided by opposing factions and social unrest, when suddenly they are united by war. War brings the people of a country together quickly because they share a common foreign enemy and the problems of individual groups are set aside. The same thing happens in our minds when we're alone for any significant amount of time. Our mind turns its focus inward and we pick apart our problems, creating worry and depression. In essence, we declare war on ourselves. This is exactly why we get advice to start a new hobby or pursue a goal. With an outside focus, our engergy begins to unite our mind and our worry quickly dissapates.

2) Serve other people. Service is the gift you give away, but it always comes back with a greater return. When we take the time to look around, we suddenly realize that we're never alone in our pain. The world is filled with lonely people and helping them can be good therapy. It never ceases to amaze me how a crisis puts in order our priorities. Reconnecting with siblings, parents, or friends can remind you that you're important in other people's lives.

3) Appreciate your time alone. If you're afraid of being alone; acknowledge the fear, feel it to its fullest, and then let it go. Avoid the crutch of addictions like chemical dependency, over or undereating, and relationship flings. Addictions only prevent you from reaching the tipping point of fear which awakens the very powers you need to overcome it. Humans are equiped with a very unique emotional autoimmune system which is very capable of responding to crisis. However, just like our physical body which kicks in to fight disease, the level of fear we experience must reach a certain degree of seriousness before the automatic defense is activated. We deny ourselves the ability to activate the tremendous power within when deaden the pain with addictions or unhealthy behavior.

Breakups are learning experiences. I don't think we're meant to master them or meant to learn to avoid them. If we really love someone and devote ourselves to a relationship, the possibility of breakingup is one of the risks we take. Just remember, many have gone before you and many will follow. Whatever doesn't kill you... still really hurts. -DM