Post Relationship Friendships

Staying friends after you break up... your thoughts?

-Leslie


Dear Leslie,


The subject of remaining friends after a relationship is actually quite case specific. Sometimes it can be a constructive thing to do and sometimes a clean break is the only way to go about it. To begin the discussion, you have to ask yourself, "What is my goal?" In Psychology, the behaviorism school of thought asserts that people are driven to act primarily based on the consideration of two forces: pain and pleasure. We either do things to to avoid pain or gain pleasure. This is where you have to spend some time in the left side of your brain and work out the logic. What is my motivation for remaining in an active friendship at this time? If your motivation is to eventually work through whatever prevented the relationship from progressing, then you must weigh the pros and cons. How did I feel about the person's positive qualities before breaking up? How much are you willing to risk with this specific person? Do I stand a high enough probability of achieving future bliss to counterbalance the risk of my continued emotional involvement? Managing your emotions while trying to remain friends can be very difficult. Some people like to jot down notes to organize their thoughts. Draw upon your previous experiences to try and decide if you are good at doing the friends thing. If you can't think of specific examples, ask one of your girlfriends. They probably remember very well if you are prone to jealousies and mental breakdowns!

Keep in mind that remaining friends after breaking-up requires a great deal of honesty and trust. If you trust the person implicitly, then you stand a better chance of coming out unscathed. The problem lies in that after breakup, a new set of rules has been created. Even if two people are still interested in exploring a future together, the fact is they are NOT currently together. Technically, one doesn't owe the other any update of who they went out with the previous night or if they have their eye on someone new. Even though it may hurt, an honest person who is equally invested will update you on any significant occurrences. The most important perspective to have is, "Am I withholding any information that is important for them to know as they make their decision to invest in a friendship with me?" If we search our hearts, it's usually not that hard to know if we are acting in accordance to the feelings we profess. Think about it for a moment. If two people really are fine being just friends, you shouldn't find them concealing the fact that they are dating new people. If two people are still working toward a future relationship and one starts to have other plans, then withholding significant information is kind of like insider trading in the stock market- it's not fair. In either case, you can see the potential for a big emotional let down. Foremost, it's important that the motivation of the friendship is clearly understood by both parties and that your hopes don't lead you to assume they are making a commitment beyond the friendship. Everyone who's been down this road knows that communicating post-breakup can be a difficult line to walk.

I once had a girlfriend who broke-up with me and said she wanted to remain friends. I was living off of slivers of hope that if I stayed with it, she would eventually want a relationship again. Like a starving fat kid waiting for crumbs of cake, I agreed to stay friends. Fortunately we trusted each other and we decided that we would tell the other one if we started a new relationship. Our phone conversations never dealt with dating and were very rarely about us. I had to assume she was dating other people and I was right. Yes, it was very difficult to talk about life without talking about US, but I thought it would be worth it. One day she called me and said she had been dating someone new. She thought it was time she should tell me. Even though it felt like a dagger in the heart, it gave me what I needed to move on. In the end, the pain was probably as mild as it could have been because we had a mature understanding.

If this friendship is about holding out for a future relationship, you may find the statistics somewhat discouraging. Studies have shown that when people are given a second chance in relationships, they more often fail and do things the same as before. However, studies also show that people regret more the opportunities they didn't take rather than the opportunities they did take that ended negatively. Only you can know if that risk is worth taking. More importantly, only you can know if you can live with not taking the risk. -DM